There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

It has to start some place, it has to start some time…

Since this is my inaugural entry for Awkward Backhair I feel compelled to give a brief introduction and go through the frequently asked questions. The first thing everyone has been asking me is, "Why Awkward Backhair?" I've been asking myself the same thing since I began to notice the bizarre pubic creatures creeping over my shoulders beginning my sophomore year of college…As for the url being, that primarily has to do with "" being taken. I've got a few other sweet urls in mind, but I hesitate to post them here lest I plan to change my own or create others in the future, both rather dubious possibilities.

Next question: "What prompted you to start a blog?" - Tim, Wisconsin.

Well, Tim, I'm glad you asked because it isn't quite covered in my description as well as I might like. The real impetus was being trapped in a New York apartment with a small television that played only the Food Network. I use terms like "trapped," and "only" loosely here, but I'd rather not get into semantics just yet. As it was, I happened to catch Food Network celebrity Rachael Ray for the first time. I was immediately repulsed as I would expect most people are. Her physical appearance, voice, and mannerisms immediately inspired some form of hatred in me. Hate is a strong term, so I'm toning it down to dislike or disagreeance, but the fact remains that she somehow immediately inspired ire in my oft mild-mannered person. Perhaps it was my pent-up rage at the inadequacies of my own life. Perhaps it was my jealousy over not having a Food Network program (let alone the several Ray seems to have) of my own. Either way I credit her as the catalyst for my current blogging and I mean catalyst because, at the end of the day, Rachael Ray doesn't (although she should) give a shit what I have to say.

Question Three: "I thought you said you were done blogging just recently. Do you consider yourself a hypocrite?" - Katie S., Iowa.

Mostly I'm just glad someone from Iowa cares. Yes, it's true, I did recently proclaim just that. However, I never used the term "blogging" nor considered myself a "blogger." Didn't I already mention semantics? At this point, though, it seems as if I can't avoid the label of "blogger." As for the hypocrite label, I recall running fifteen miles in Iowa once, almost two years ago. I was running through cornfields at around sunrise and kept singing that Animals song "House of the Rising Sun" and I felt great and ate some waffles at the Holiday Inn or wherever I was staying and was feeling even more tip-top until I totally tore some muscle in my leg less than a week later so fuck you Iowa.

Question Four: "You're almost done with your first entry and you haven't really made too many derogatory remarks about Rachael Ray yet…what gives?" - Me, moments ago.

Well, the thing is, I had my blog all set up as and titled it "Food Networst: Putting the Kibosh on Rahael Ray" when I realized I should google "rachael ray sucks." Immediately I stumbled upon this hate community as well as a host of others and realized my services weren't really needed. I still might mention her sometimes, but it won't be the focus of the blog. I was sorry to have put my good puns to waste, but I felt it was in the blog's best interest to change the title. That said, I hope not to mislead those who google search "iced grundle" but I can't think of why anyone would google that, except if perhaps they were looking for remedies for the awful grundle cramp or, more frighteningly, a crotch-based pastry. But I'm getting ahead of myself here as I will cover scintillating topics like that in future posts.

Question Five: "I thought you were going to name this blog 'Megan Fox' to increase your chances of actually having readers?" - Stacey D., Rhode Island.

Wow, just the other day I was saying how I had forgotten all about Rhode Island being a state. I think I might be more excited that people from Rhode Island are reading than for some of the multinational readers I had on my old blog (technically a diary) who hailed from Italy, Germany, Argentina, Singapore, Malaysia, Sweden (sources tell me it was Roger Federer, even though he is Swiss and, incidentally, if you've made it here as well Roger, congratulations, though I admit I was rooting for Nadal and Safin remains my favorite player), South Africa, and even Bahrain. All of those folks probably stumbled on my site searching for Celine Dion news and photos as it was. I mention this because it is precisely the reason I did not name my blog "Megan Fox," after the retardedly hot actress currently starring in Michael Bay's Transformers. I decided I no longer wanted to increase my readership through cheap tricks and showmanship, with heavy emphasis on the former. Finally, I wonder if reader Stacey D. is in fact Stacey Dash, one of my favorite babes growing up who portrayed Dee in both "Clueless" the film and TV series. Stacey played a teenager in her thirties way better (and sexier) than Ian Ziering. Now if only I could get Donald Faison to start reading…

I've decided that, much like my friend Gill in Mallrats I won't be fielding any more questions. See you in the freezer section at your local grocer.

1 comment:

  1. You don't like Rachel Ray? Well I'll cook ya dinner, big boy.


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