There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Friday, October 31, 2008


It seems I fell off the map there for a while on the whole blogging thing so, welcome back me. I've had plenty of retarded thoughts as usual just not quite the energy and/or time to put them down I guess. Anyway, I figured on this sacred holiday I would have to take the opportunity and put at least a little something together.

Corny bastard that I am, all day I have been thinking they should have a separate (or concurrent) holiday called "Hallowmean" on which people will deliver formulaic put-downs to those around them that they do or do not like, via sarcasm and "pretend" sarcasm. Example jokes include, "Hey, is that your costume? What are you supposed to be an ocular feces detector." Admittedly that one sucks, but after eating four donuts and some other halloween candy at the office, not to mention my cart food lunch, I am feeling a little warm in the face and slow in the mind. Also factor in that I woke up at 5:40am did some sit ups and push ups, went for a five mile run and watched the most recent episode of Gossip Girl on the train commute. And since this had my brain reaching for any recent information, the prevalence of the denunciator "shiteyes" in the Hunter S. Thompson book I'm reading was the first thing that popped into my gourd. But you get the idea. Unfortunately, this idea sucks. How about instead "Hallowmean" defines the average Halloween. Eh, eh? Yep, I'm extra fucking retarded today.

Another thing bothering me a lot recently is something I probably already wrote about in here. But since I can't be sure (I could be, by looking, but that would be logical), I'll talk about it anyway, and pose it in classic Seinfeld style. So really, what's the deal with doctors? I have to give them 24 hours or more of notice to cancel or I get charged, but they can cancel on me whenever they want? Shouldn't they be paying me? Or give me a voucher for a free visit or something? And what's the deal with public transportation? If it comes early I'm screwed. If I come early, I just have to wait. Same goes for if it's late. If I miss the train, the train doesn't miss me...There seemed like more to complain about when I was discussing this on not the internet.

Anyway, that's more than enough. I'm gonna try to get my ass back to blogging a bit more regularly. Oh, and Happy Halloween mmmmmmmuuthhhhaaaaafuuuuccckkkkkkkaaaaaaasssss.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Blink 182 - A Semi-Live Blog

For whatever reason my wireless connection has gone bunk on my home laptop, so the idea of the laptop is defeated in that now I must plug it in. That, and it is old enough that the battery life is all of about half an hour.

Anyway, the blink title is merely in reference to Senator McCain. If you're watching this debate, I wonder if you are noticing how much this man blinks! I think I read somewhere that increased blinking is a sign of LYING. I might have just made that up, but either way, McCain is looking shady. I also wish he would stop talking about Joe the plumber from Ohio. At this point I guess he has, but damn, he was really on that for a few minutes there.

Are you kidding me? If Joe the plumber is going to make more than $250,000 a year, I'm not that sad that he has to pay some more taxes. Sure he might work harder in some senses of the word than others earning the same amount or exponentially more, but he's still bringing home a big chunk of change and, should I ever earn anything near that amount, I won't mind forking over the additional tax.

I can't continue to watch this I don't think. I actually didn't really have anything against McCain until the last couple of years, if not less. And, as I mentioned in a recent post, that new article in Rolling Stone is doing absolutely nothing to win him over for me.

If McCain is that worried about people "realizing the American dream" and "owning their own home," maybe he could offer them one of his seven? I think it was seven...I guess neither of us knows. I guess I can just sum it up as FUCK YOU MCCAIN, YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT! Now go out and prove to me that you aren't. I actually don't mind being proven wrong.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

RIP iPod Shadow Man

On my way to work this morning, I was dismayed to see that one of my old standbys, iPod Shadow Man, had met his demise. I couldn't find the exact billboard with a quick google, but it kind of had this guy's hair, with a pose more like this lady, although not quite. Still, if you walked south past 30th St and 7th Ave anytime in the last well, while, you'd have caught a glimpse. He was replaced by the vastly inferior nanocrapmatic ad. To be honest though, I wouldn't have even been satisfied if he was replaced with this...that's how much I liked that iPod shadow. He was a source of comfort in what can sometimes be a judgmental city.

In other iPod related news, here is a look at the second item I might add to my home after a waffle iron.

No more will I have to crank my stereo and leave the bathroom door open to shower to tunes. Of course, I could always just have a radio in the bathroom, but I promise it just wouldn't be the same. Also, when bathroom trips are not long enough to require reading, or involve such hand-intensive activities such as the brushing of teeth (rendering page-turning difficult), music would be great. It's not so much that I always need music to fill voids. I am not afraid of silence (although I admit, sometimes it is creepy), I, like many others I am sure, just really like the idea of having a soundtrack to my life.

Also, did I mention here that I burned my left oblique type area with a pan after removing chocolate-chip cookies from the oven? That reminds me, I am long overdue to continue my very short-lived "recipe of the month" tradition. Maybe before Halloween. In the meantime, something something something, something something...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Commuter Tales

Look, I swear that the most interesting thing going on in my life is NOT my work commute, but I intentionally try to keep this blog from being too personal, which certainly precludes discussing things like work itself and, to some extent, limits my discussion of certain endeavors to vaguish descriptions. Another limiting factor is that I hate repeating stories so even if people I have told them to are not reading this blog, well, it still feels as if I'm repeating myself. But before some griping (it's been a while since I've used that lovely word), I'm going to throw out a link to Rolling Stone's cover story on John McCain. It's a long article, but worth the read in my opinion. I feel as if I don't even know what truth ever is with a lot of people, especially politicians, and while there may be bias in this article — it is OpEd after all — I have a feeling it's an awful lot closer to the truth than "McCain the hero" and "McCain the straight shooter" and all the other positive post-its tacked onto the man. The thing about post-its, after all, is that the sticky wears off.

So, originally I planned for this to be about commuting, but I'm losing steam on that front. I have a feeling this is going to quickly devolve into a Seinfeld-esque "what's the deal with ______." One thing you've got is the general breakdown of people you see on the train and their weak-ass attempts to have no one sit next to them. The first line of defense is always to place their bag on the empty seat. This is basic, and is generally accompanied by any number of slightly more advanced tactics which include the following:

1. listening to an iPod. Somehow, when the ears are occupied, the listener is also unable to see people that wish to sit down.
2. the multitasker. Not only will a bag be on the seat, but a laptop will often be on the lap and, for good measure, a couple of documents, and maybe even a Blackberry will be out, to make it appear as if they would be too busy to move their things.
3. the fake napper. Sure, I can be a bit tired when I step on the train in the morning and, more frequently, in the evening, but if I was able to make it to the train, chances are I can stay awake an additional three to five minutes. This tactic is also employed by passengers attempting to avoid paying their fare. In addition, this can sometimes be executed in conjunction with an iPod (or other media device) as an extra layer of defense.
4. the blank and/or "through you" stare. These individuals are seemingly so in their own world they can't conceive of other passengers being on the train, let alone sitting next to them. Again, this is often used in conjunction with another of the defense methods, with the stare often situated out the window.

As I said, this is a fairly basic synopsis and characterization of these types. To counteract them, I generally try to sit next to an individual who seems most opposed to my sitting next to them. This is enhanced further when I have walked quickly to the train, causing a rise in temperature in my body, the response action of which is to remove my outer layer and reveal, on most days, a wife-beater undergarment. Just this past Saturday, I found my train back to Jersey delayed and, as a result, even more people than usual had crowded around to be seated on the train.

I sat down next to a young Indian girl probably around my age (does it matter than she is Indian, not really, but by my adding that descriptor I may or may not be telling you something about me) who happened to be on a cell phone. I noticed her look over at me a few times and something was telling me that it wasn't because she thought I was incredibly handsome. The whole time she was either in conversation or dialing up someone with whom to be in conversation. Soon she not only started looking over at me, she was looking all around, as if she was feeling a form of clostraphobia, that she was trapped and needed to get out. Rather than making me nervous of course, it really just pissed me off and I was, as always, on the verge of telling her, "What the fuck are you looking for? And why don't you get off your phone and shut the fuck up?" As always I say because, when you call out people on their social improprieties, you generally commit one yourself. As I relayed this story the other day, I noted I am considering post-it notes that I leave as casual reminders to these people for the wrongs I feel they have committed (marking my second post-it reference this entry).

In unrelated news, I watched episodes two through four of that new HBO vampire series Tru Blood. Given shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the success of that new Twilight series of books, not to mention the many incarnations of Dracula, one could conclude that a lot of people find vampires pretty interesting. I fall into this category, which includes my love of the Castlevania series of games. Point being, I think Tru Blood is great. Sure, Anna Paquin's accent and acting are awful, and there are many other unintentionally funny bits to the show, but between the laughs, intended and otherwise, and the the fact that it deals with vampires — sexy vampires no less — makes it a fun watch. Don't bring the kids though.
Thanks for stopping by…you stay classy Planet Earth.