There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Thursday, December 31, 2009


Ah yes, it's the one we've (me, and the other me) all been waiting for, my New Year's Resolutions post. As usual I have given a lot (read: not a lot) of thought to what it is exactly I will change about myself in 2010. Sometimes people call these improvements. To be honest, I don't really remember what any of my past resolutions have been and thus have no idea if I have ever successfully adhered to them. Well this year it is etched in cyberspace so even though a lot of it is likely to be accounted for qualitatively rather than quantitatively, well shit, I'm giving it a shot.

1. Drink less. This is quantitative and measurable but, unlike what they say about white people on that stuff white people like blog, I don't really count my drinks anymore. I only have one liver. This would be a reason to drink less.
2. Drink more. Hydration is important. Especially when it's whiskey, or scotch, or bourbon. Or beer, but only certain beers that I enjoy. This may seem in contrast to resolution number one, but these are not numbered by priority.
3. Pay better attention to the news/current events. Man, I never have any idea what is going on. I mean really, I am shockingly out of touch with shit. I don't know if it's just because I mostly find the news depressing or because I am self-centered and only follow things going on in my more immediate biosphere. I don't think biosphere is the right word. Perhaps another resolution could be to use words correctly.
4. Travel more. I like exploring. I have seen shockingly few other countries and have neglected whole regions of the United States.
5. Publish a book. I went through the trouble of writing one this year, and am trying to work on a few more and/or a compendium of short stories, as in stories of diminutive length, not about diminutive people, but that might come up. But yeah, I would like to share that shit. Also, maybe this time I won't write entirely in the second person, because that's probably annoying. But publishing, I think maybe that takes a long time, so I'll settle for writing more and getting the other sorts of gears in motion.
6. Read more. I love books, but I don't read enough of them.
7. Cook more. Cooking is fun. I do it not infrequently, but I need to do some more inventive things in the kitchen.
8. Take more/better photos. I have a camera, I'd like to get a fancier one someday. But I rarely take that thing with me. This can include candids and thoughtful photography because they both serve a purpose.
9. Eat healthier. I love my sweets, but damn, as frequently happens, it can get out of hand. My half-British heritage has thus far made me impervious to Wilford Brimley disease, but I don't want to one day be a cancerous carcass of high fructose corn syrup. So maybe I will amend this to trying to eat only things with real sugar.
10. Spend less time on the internet. This is probably the most important one. I don't really know how much time I piss away on the internet relative to regular humans (I certainly watch far less TV than the American "average" according to however reliable such statistics are), but I still know it is too much. Real life > virtual life.

So yeah, I settled on ten, and the thing is, all I did was pull these right off the top of my head, which is how I operate with many things. So perhaps "putting more thought into things" could be a resolution, but then I'd stop being me, and that would be no fun, at least for me.

Now it's switching gears a little bit, but I never cease to get a kick out of the corruption that goes on in my hometown, this time the high school janitors being linked to a prescription drug scheme. Unlimited refills on prescription drugs for public employees? Whoa, no wonder my monthly fee is so wonderfully high. One of those janitors is the son of our former AD, now on the school board, and whose wife once taught me in the "academically talented" group in elementary school. There are all sorts of problems with that last statement, especially grouping me with the academically talented.

In the proper holiday spirit, I was prank called on Christmas day. Sadly I wasn't there to receive the call but no worries as this individual decided to leave me a message. As my voicemail features my voice and my name, I have to wonder if this person does in fact know me. But as aforementioned (last post), this person appears to be male and in their teenage years. Guess I have to stop hanging around the Middle School giving out my phone number. So much for scouting for potential...

I think it's funny that you can say at this time "see you next year" and it's not all too bastardly or depressing because well, the next year is awfully close. So I hope you all had a swell 2009 and will have an even better 2010.

Yes, the happiest of new years.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Rise of the Demise

Normally I wouldn't be blogging on back-to-back days, but with Brittany Murphy's passing this morning, it certainly got me thinking and I felt as if a topic like this deserves its separate piece. To me, celebrity and athlete deaths seem to be on the rise of late. Now I'm not sure if it's simply greater coverage by the media creating this false perception in my head, or simply short-sightedness created by the passing of both Chris Henry and Brittany Murphy in the past three days. Both, I would say, passed away under rather unusual conditions. That is not to say that the circumstances surrounding the end of life should ever be considered normal, but there always seems to be a lot more going on than we have any idea about in these situations. And while it is intriguing and they are celebrities and meant to be comfortable in the public eye, everybody deserves a little privacy now and then. So no speculation here, just a couple of shots of them both enjoying life while they were still living it.

In unrelated news I was prank called today. I didn't know people still did that, which is probably very much related to the prevalence of caller ID. You never have to answer the phone when a phone number says "restricted," but since it was a Sunday, I was intrigued. We're always intrigued. My best guess says an androgynous human of mid-to-late teen years. How it is they managed to get my phone number I don't rightly know. I think I turned out a pretty boring prank anyway...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Meowy Christmouse

It's a few days early to say the least but given the regularity (or lack thereof) of my blogging at times I opted to title this Christmassy. I managed to totally bypass Chanukah. Oops. Makes sense though, as this was easily the least memorable Chanukah I can remember. Yes, worded just like that. It was latke-free among other deficiencies. For shame to my Jewish roots. Next year...

As for Christmas, I mean, there is no denying that I like the lights, the ugly Christmas sweaters (that is the number three image result when searching for "ugly christmas sweater"), and the idea of a lot of the other stuff. Other stuff includes eggnog, cider, and the music. Every year I get excited for eggnog, and I don't know why. This year I even bought some festive eggnog ice cream. This does not go down like the much tastier seasonal pumpkin offering Edy's has. I'm still going to finish eating it, but I'm not really going to enjoy it. Cider is another thing I like on principal, but rarely in practice. I actually am not denying that warm cider has tasty properties, it just doesn't exactly sit well. That is my fault, not the cider's. Sorry cider, not trying to cut you down. And then, of course, there is the music. Man, it's true that I could hear Mariah Carey sing "All I Want for Christmas is You" for a seemingly endless amount of time (bolstered strongly by its association with Love Actually).

And that's another one, the holiday films. Many of them are a miss for me (or perhaps I am amiss?), but I'm watching Elf as I type away here, and man, that really just works for me. I tried to find a reference to the title of this post, but no such luck. I believe it was some horrendous-sounding production that might have appeared on NPR one year as I drove up to Massachusetts for a Christmas past. Oddly relevant is the ad I just witnessed for the new Alvin and the Chipmunks film. Why Jason Lee is in this and why they chose to make it at all are the usual sorts of questions worth asking but so it goes. In the spirit of catty Christmases, I read that article about a woman with hundreds of cats in her Chester Township home. I thought it was extra fitting given "Chester the Cat," but there is no Chester the Cat, I was deluded by the Cheetos cheetah mascot. Oops.

Finally, in the spirit of giving, I am giving praise to Jimmy Fallon. I was pretty low on Jimmy when he first took over the late late spot as he just looked nervous up there, which made me uncomfortable and did not translate well into humor. But Jimmy has really come into his own with performances such as this Neil Young/Fresh Prince parody. Keep up the good work Mr. Fallon.

I think it's high time I cut this entry off as I'm feeling rather distracted so I'm closing out with this Michael Leviton track I've really been feeling of late.

A lot of people were acting like assholes last night and I was tempted to do a little griping here but there's no real need. Dingleberries will be dingleberries...Happy Holidays everyone. May you find yourselves warm and in the company of those you value most.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Eldrick's Secret

So for the first time ever I watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And then I watched it again. And again. I mean, I've certainly appreciated a model here or there, dating back to the days before my high school supercrush Laetitia Casta. [Clearly I was not the only person to feel this way.] But my multiple views and appreciation weren't accounted for by just my newfound love of winter-hat wearing Erin Heatherton nor the cherub-face and perfect imperfection of Abbey Lee Kershaw's teeth. No, I was also captivated by the musical selections.

Honestly watch this mash-up of Message in a Bottle and Sex is on Fire and the strange bellhop choreography and tell me it doesn't bring a smile to your face. Incorporating some cow bell in there with it just really gets it done. And the mash-up of Same Old Song and Use Somebody that followed it simply raised it to a whole other level. Hell I was even enjoying the Black-Eyed Peas in there. Am I supposed to hyphenate that? Ah, the little things in life.

On a slightly different surrounded-by-beautiful-women note, we have Tiger, aka Eldrick, Woods. Now I have never been much of a Tiger fan, but I did somewhat respect his golf skills, even if I consider it a strange activity to excel at. The thing was, and is, that he always struck me as bland and boring. But what do I know? And when you're carrying on multiple long-term liaisons, your life is probably anything but boring (even if you yourself might be). Yes, it's pretty hard to avoid the whole Tiger affair news and all the accumulated and slowly-released damning evidence. In terms of hilarious soundbytes, this one is pretty good. Even when he is allegedly frantic he strikes me as bland. But then, I'm probably pretty guilty of being a drab and monotone phone conversationalist on those occasions I actually use one.

So of course, there will certainly continue to be no shortage of Tiger new stories, spoofs, etc but, amidst all that coverage, I think Stephen A. Smith covers it in like a fashion in which you should probably listen. The first bit is about Allen Iverson, so just jump to the middle once the podcast loads if you'd only like to hear his opinion on Tiger.

So right I'm tired as shit and needing to detox from/sleep off a multi-day cookie, booze, and deep-dish binge so y'all take care now...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I Said Baby...

It's 3am I should be sleepy. I am forever getting this song stuck in my head when the hour gets late and I think perhaps sleep would be a good idea. Never been much of one for Matchbox 20/Rob Thomas to be honest, but it's a testament to the [one-time] power of radio and pop promotion that I can still recite the lyrics to their biggest hits.

Speaking of big hits, I watched the documentary made on Valentino the other day (courtesy sister-in-law) and I have to say, that it was pretty kick ass. I'm fairly inept when it comes to high-end fashion, and perhaps we could extend that to fashion in general. But I at least know what I like, and if I was a wealthy, high-powered woman, I would like Valentino (RIP). The dude is a total eccentric and yet another reminder of that fine line between genius and mental illness/disorder. He's a total diva but yes, I think this film actually contains something for all. That's right, an out and out recommendation.

I think that is saying something considering I should have been all fashioned out after viewing the Iris Apfel Exhibition at Salem's Peabody Museum. The exhibition title refers to her as irreverent and I don't know whether this is meant to be complimentary. You'd think they might be trying for hmm, I don't know, iconic? But irreverent might be more apt as many of the hideous and ridiculous garments show a lack of respect for the tender stomachs of unseasoned onlookers. Needless to say, I won't be needing to see any more outfits composed of feathers of some birds I've never even heard of. Instead I'll just remember this kooky old lady for her appearances in vintage Old Navy commercials, which I am too tired to attempt to locate.

There was some other crap I was going to add but my coffee and insane intake of sweets (Thanksgiving's four slices of pie + apple crisp + ice cream seem like a joke in comparison) this evening has finally worn off. Tasks to burn off this excess energy included attempting to complete my November novel and a creepy and beautiful walk along the lake. Creepy because some little critters of indeterminate origin spooked the shit out of me. No contacts+relative darkness=Jebbo potentially crapping pants.

In other news it's December (wow) and it is about to get cold as a motherfucker up in this bitch. With New Year's oh-so-close I may pledge to curse less. It really does take away from things that profanity it does, and when you use it less, it really packs that extra oomph when you do deliver it. I also intend to start speaking in websites again. I may even start blogging about less boring shit, but don't count on it. This may include a once weekly attempt at a humorous short story or something. Hard to say. But once more I must say, this little boy is tired and I must bid you adieu.
Thanks for stopping by…you stay classy Planet Earth.