There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Monday, October 31, 2011


Not that I have spent the day cleaning, but I needed an alternate title to counter the now twice used Hallowmean. Plus, I was completely clean and sober today. No drinks but coffee and the poison of Subway (eat shit). I have eaten a lot of Subway sandwiches since moving near a 24-hour installation. Reminder: move near a garden, all of those are 24 hours.

Perhaps since I wasn't hanging around schoolyards today (rare for me) I happened not to see much in the way of costumes. I witnessed plenty of interesting ones this weekend I'm sure but as it happens I am actually rather awful at identifying peoples' Halloween costumes. Today is about the time I need to be considering costumes for next Halloween, something that isn't timely and pop-culturally relevant, which aren't my style anyway since a) I'm out of the loop on a lot of that stuff, b) many others will have that costume, and c) relating to b, someone will have executed the same costume far better.

In unrelated thoughts, I feel as if Facebook should send notifications when someone defriends you. I mean, they're keeping track of everything else, why not that. I note, in general, a fluctuating number of friends, and while I acknowledge this may be due to some deactivating their accounts altogether, well you just know when it isn't all that. Of course it doesn't matter all that much considering I don't do much in the way of Facebook interaction and, if these are my biggest concerns, I need to find, well, bigger ones. The damn why always seems to get me. Then again, I suppose if I can't figure out who these folks are weren't exactly friends anyway.

In an effort to cap this particularly boring entry in grandiose style, here's a little Rihanna, one of the unofficial anthems of the Halloween weekend. And for another precious minute, it's all about tonight.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Judgment Day

Ah yes, today was another of those days predicted to be Judgment Day, the End of Days, or the Rapture. Those may very well not all be the same thing, but close enough for government work. But the judgment I speak of is that judgment that grips me on certain of my days dwelling in coffee shops. Maybe it's because I blog a lot on Fridays and am just ready for the week to be done, but I can point to probably too many posts where I am a judgmental prick about the folks seated around me. It has an awful lot to do with projection as plenty of it is related to the perceived feelings I have about them having about me. The long and short of it is that I may spend too much time in coffee shops.

Luckily, between a caffeine buzz, and the diuretic effects of caffeine I can be a little more ADD and less focused on dislike towards any one individual. I already was wrong once about that today. That doesn't stop me from being bored and depressed for the people having a conversation on the couch next to me, nor does it stop me from peering periodically at the Gorbachevesque jelly stain on a man's bald head. I am glad I can't view my own interactions from outside.

And now, since my brain doesn't appear to want to cooperate with writing any more, and my battery is very inclined toward running out of power, I'll leave things to the experts. Enjoy some Mitchell and Webb (I have probably posted this exact video sometime in the last three years). Have a swell Friday folks, even you dingles I was down on earlier in this post and earlier in this day.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thursday the 13th

That title just lacks the menace of alliteration but, well, it's accurate in describing today's date. Am I the sole loather of the time at which people seemed particularly fond of saying "factually correct?" A fact, by definition, is correct. Otherwise, it fails to be a fact. Sort of like wet water, except also maybe not.

What brings me here is a combination of procrastination and realization, the former in that I am putting off things I need to do—look at my definitive prowess, which is to say my prowess at defining things, not an affirmation of my having prowess in general, which would be both ambiguous and incorrect, factually so—and the latter with respect to my not having actually written anything in here in October. Oh yes, I have a post dated but five days ago, but that is recycled and regurgitated. What of thought isn't? Fall always has the effect of making me aggravatingly introspective.

Before I forget, let's hear it for Sweetest Day, which I had never heard of until an email received today. I love sweets, but man, that is some contrived shit. But October 15th, pretty good chance I will eat some sweets, since it is, after all, a real day.

Well, whatever creative swell I thought I had that I was going to drop here I now have to devote to the things I was procrastinating from. If your ears need something, give Matt Kona's Podcast a listen. I haven't listened yet, but let me tell you, Matt Kona is a most righteous fellow.

See y'all in the digital realm, and some of you, maybe, in the real one too.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

In Which I Just Paste an Email Here

The following is the contents of an email exchange with a friend. We had, along with many other more worthy writers, submitted to McSweeney's annual column contest. Needless to say, neither of us was selected and I can't say that I blame the editors over there, but I can say that it did make for an easy email to write relating my feelings towards the actual winners based on only reading their column titles and their names. Please know that this is a joke, and no ill will is meant, just good fun. Perhaps I will read some of these columns, but probably not. Some are a little less than PG...Enjoy!

The Peculiar Arab Chronicles
by Nour Ali Youssef

[Go fuck Youssef]

History’s a Bitch: A Dog Walk Through Time
by Robb Fritz

[I'm Puttin' it on [the] Fritz to make dog-walking interesting to me. His name has two B's. Does he get more points if the dog is female, or male? From the dog's perspective?]

It’s All Greek to Me
by MM Locker

[Extra points for original title. I should have submitted "It's All Greek to Me: My Experiences at Diners and Fraternities"...and fucking Greek women.]

Assimilate or Go Home: Dispatches from the Stateless Wanderers
by DLM

[DLM...Dumb loser monkey? Is this about immigrants? The Borg (Star Trek)? I don't care!]

No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy
by Michelle Mirsky

[Uh oh, this might have been the comedian entrant to beat me. Shouldn't it be called "A Fear of Landing?" And what's a kamikaze mission in death? You avoid it? So like Final Destination?]

Graphic Dispatches from a Recent College Graduate Still Living in a College Town
by Larry Buchanan

[Boring stories from a boring person who hasn't grown up.]

Dendrophilia and Other Social Taboos
by Dani Burlison

[Dani, that's a girl's name. This should be a guy. And he should have called it, "Rubbing my knob on knobs: A woodsman's job...with his wood." I want it good and obvious. "Using big words, trying to sound intelligent, and other such social taboos." ]

Gyros To Heroes: A Column About Sandwiches
by Lindsay Eanet

[Oh come on, this is the worst anagrammed last named of all time and anagrammed isn't even a word it appears! Eanet? Like eaten? Is she just dyslexic? Is she implying that Gyros can't be heroes? Sounds biased. This one's all Greek to me...]

The Long Walk: A Column About Washington
by Alec Bings

[Pretty good title. I hope it's Washington state. The person I hate least so far. The first Arab chronicler would be fine if his title was different. Also, the last name here needs to be binges, and the title of his column should be "Tales from the Toilet: My Life in Purge-atory."]

Fading the Vig: A Gambler’s Guide to Life
by David Hill

[I don't know what fading the Vig is. Good start. Damn, I hate how unknowledgeable I am! I have friends who gamble a pretty good amount, either in the very obvious sense of casinos and sports or in taking life risks. Maybe this guy twists those together. But since I don't know what fading the Vig is, I don't care.]

American Policy Suggestions from a Chicago Sports Fan
by Matt McKenna


The Chorus Boy Chronicles
by Brian Spitulnik

[Choir sounds so much better than chorus. There are differences sure, but the main difference is choir sounds better.]

Good luck to all of the runners of tomorrow's Chicago marathon. Weather's great, I would like to join you for parts. But as it stands I'll be cheering you on, from my dreams.
Thanks for stopping by…you stay classy Planet Earth.