There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Thursday, January 31, 2013


If my goal was a new low for post title, I'd say I'm damn close. Also damn close? The close of January. You know January, comes in with effing New Year's, goes out being pretty much cold as balls. Well, round these parts at least.

It's definitely sweater weather, that is as long as you're wearing a big-ass winter jacket as well. But really what I wanted to do is point out how that song is so very Lana-like (as opposed to Lana-like, and not to be confused with Smallville viewers having some serious Lana-like), and that bothers me. And when I say Lana-like, I mean Lana-lite. That isn't to say it's not possible this band managed to cultivate such a sound completely independently — and after all, there are often movements — but it seems like a little too much reliance on haunting female vocals, without the lyrical quality of Del Rey. It hardly matters what I think though, as it seems to be getting a pretty heavy radio rotation. 

Now, if we want to talk quality music, how about this sweet cruise my homie BTB linked me to. Vertical Horizon? I mean, it'll be hard to top the time I saw them gigging in a Borders in Chicago circa 2009/2010, because you can't get much more intimate than the second floor of what is now a Michigan Ave. TopShop in a clearing from bookshelves. Somehow Borders went out of business, and Vertical Horizon gets to go aboard ship with Mark McGrath. Who's going to host Extra while Mark's on the open water?

Without even a hint of segue I've got to bring up sandwich chain Jimmy John's. Their marketing angle always strikes me as odd. Their tagline is "Freaky Fast," and that's the most sensible part. Do I want to be disturbed by the speed with which my food is prepared? The answer is probably yes if it comes with "free smells," which is what it says on many a storefront. Now, to me, without a qualifier, smells is not a positive adjective. "Hey dude, you smell." You can add the word "bad," but bad is implied, where as to say something smells good, you need the good. Why not free aromas? Too fancy? Freaky fancy.

The fun doesn't stop there though, because mid or post meal, you're probably going to want to use a napkin. What do these napkins say larger than the brand name? Wipe. When you're done eating, is wipe what comes to mind? For me, that's what comes to mind when I'm done pooping. I'm certainly not associating it with the wiping of hands and mouth. 

Anyway, I'm done pooping. So wipe January 2013 off your calendars and get set for a Freaky February...

Sunday, January 27, 2013


While my last post marked the Denver area code citation, I managed to not realize I'd hit the Frank Miller comic-inspired movie about Sparta mark. This isn't really that big of a deal considering some folks compile that many posts in a year, or far less, but sometimes you need to adopt some kind of marker, and so I'll make this note and move on.

There's a stupid ad on TV right now for IBM and they're running on The Seine. It might not even be that stupid, but I tend to hate all advertising and I have the sound off so it really doesn't make much sense. Running on The Seine does though, something I was able to do on a couple of occasions. Running through Paris in general is a delight. While generally I'd prefer some trails, since Paris is a wonderful, foreign-to-me, place chock full of history — and yet, due to its fame, familiarity — it makes for an amazing feeling. Like, "Hey, isn't that Notre Dame," or "Hey, isn't that the Eiffel Tower." I imagine that someone coming to America and running in New York or even Chicago might say the same, but I am one of those you can file under "intrigued by the other."

A week has passed since the above took place and now my cat is questioning why he has yet to make it into this blog, not realizing that it is indeed a privilege to be forgotten here. But no more, Noodles, welcome to the Internet (though I know you Skype on here when I leave the damn thing open). My keyboard is hairy enough without the fuzzy bastard, but so it goes.

Anyway, that seems to be quite enough for the moment, marking this post more eventful than the entire third season of Downton Abbey thus far. I mean I know it's a period piece, but an exclamation point wouldn't hurt. Hell, I'll settle for a question mark.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Thanks for Googling!

People search for some pretty odd things on the Internet, myself included, and a lot of these oddities can land people at this very blog. From time-to-time I take note of the more precious ones, and "gay doing split" is no exception. And where was this googler from? Garland, Texas, once the 67th best place to live in The United States, and a town founded on Conan O' Brien's birthday, seventy-two years before he was born.

How telling is it that this searcher is from Garland, TX? How exactly does a "gay" doing a split differ from, well, I guess the opposite would be a "non-gay" doing a split? Perhaps I should brand myself the authority on gay-non-gay split differentiation. Perhaps not...

On the very same day, though, came a search for "straight grundle" by some savvy browser in Dedham, MA. Crooked grundles? They don't Needham in Dedham, though it took four page views to be sure. Ah the juxtaposition of gay splits and straight grundles that only a high school English class could love.

Happy googling folks.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

2013: The Year in Review

Rather than going through the great and not-so-great moments of 2012, I think I could be better served to write up a review of 2013 before it gets too long and out of control.

Actually, I won't but I'll brag a little more than I generally choose to and say that I slept more on New Year's Day than I did any day in 2012, and I have thus far run a whopping zero days. Generally I like to leave personal details out of my blog, but we all have things we wish to brag about.

So then, back to griping, and how about we start with those "Do it for Chicago" ads? How about, I'm blogging so you don't really have an option (although, in the future, there may be a/b testing-choose-your-own-adventure style options on the internet for even such menial content as this blog). These ads are for the Greater Chicago Food Depository — more like suppository, am I right? — and if you haven't seen them, they look like this:

Incidentally, before I continue, googling simply "no you're not" yields top results for a couple of different Facebook pages, both of which deal with defining the amateur v. the artiste in photography. This, dear Internet, is one of your greatest gripes of the moment it would appear. 

But back to mine, which is this ad. Who the heck was commissioned for this? The logo looks like, actually, I can't find the other logo I'm looking for and instead could only muster this annoying bullshit (hey dude, it's great if your life is good, but seeing that plastered on something doesn't make me think so but good for you for tricking a lot of people and getting rather wealthy in the process). So though it looks nothing like those "Life is Good" designs I clearly love, it also does not create in me any great desire to do good. It just looks ominous, and inhuman, like a monster holding a tray/palette that somehow spells out food, probably in blood.

See that's hyperbole, and I like to stop short of it generally because there's way too much hyperbole these days, not enough gets to just be what it actually is which, in my case, is a critical asshole. So, with that established, I think this logo looks like shit. Nor is the edgy, anarchical typeface that says "Do it for Chicago" doing it any favors. What exactly am I supposed to be associating with donating food? 

I know, you're thinking "Jeb, why don't you build something rather than cut these things down." And, "Jeb, why do you undermine your argument by pointing out how asinine it is." The truth is, because it's not that important, I just saw some ads I thought looked bad, and then I thought I might blog about it, and then it spiraled out of control, and I'm a hoarder, so I'm keeping these words here.

And how fun is it to get that email confirming you've unsubscribed from an email subscription you never subscribed to? About as much fun as watching the Patriots win when you are actually a fan of football, am I right? Which is just as much fun as ending declarations with "am I right," am I right?
Thanks for stopping by…you stay classy Planet Earth.