There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Once, twice, three times a turdburglar

After being informed yesterday by google that was taken, I decided I needed to check out the site myself to see if, perhaps, it had yielded to a more worthy cause. Frankly any cause would probably be more worthy than my own. When it turned out to be simply this I admit I was pretty disappointed. A "maiden voyage" in April of 2005, with no subsequent postings. At first I wanted to be angry, but then I realized the sheer genius of the man who refers to himself simply as "Conor:" he had captured the true essence of the proverbial turdburglar better than I could ever dream to by infuriating folks like myself who longed to have that web domain. Bravo "Conor," and a special thank you if you happen to be Conor Oberst as I've been alternatingly loving and hating your musical contributions for years. Also, I've been thinking that turd-burglar should be hyphenated and I probably would have avoided this entry all together if I had hyphenated it in the first place. One last homage to the turd burglar (no hyphen) and I promise I'm through.

It seems like just yesterday I was talking about Megan Fox and that's because it was. Before I enter into a monstrous aside that might not prove to be all that large I've got to say that Transformers was a sweet movie. I can pretty much enjoy most movies…hell I was even kind of enjoying Aquamarine on TV last week and it's got stupid JoJo and that girl from one of those NBC shows that's on Sunday mornings at around noon and is labeled as educational and informative (E/I) and I think her characters name is Darcy. That show totally sucks and in five seconds I could find out what it is by the grace of the internet but I don't even want to spend my five seconds doing that. The reason I know about this show? I grew up without cable television and when I would wake up or come back from a run at around noon on a Sunday and was fiending for some breakfast cereal and television, my choices of the latter were severely limited (while my choices of the former were splendid and varied, thanks Mom). When I conjured up JoJo's Wikipedia entry I noted that she was born in Brattleboro, VT where I lived for about a year. I'll bet she was born in McNeill's, a pretty sweet local brewery, even if their beer did put spines in my turds - that's my only gripe with the place, especially after successfully achieving the ring toss. I'd be reluctant to associate JoJo with my favorite establishment in Brattleboro, but that honor is reserved for Price Chopper. Also, it's not like I have any reason to actually dislike JoJo since I can't name one of her songs off the top of my head, rare for me in the female pop arena, and anyway that's quite enough.

So Transformers, now that we've established I am not necessarily a harsh critic, was pretty well done. I thoroughly enjoyed the cartoon during my childhood and even read the comic book at times. I still own some of the toys. What I'm getting at is, this film could easily have botched one of my beloved childhood, um, things, in much the way the relatively recent Garfield film did. Now that movie was atrocious. Bill Murray, one of my favorite actors, really shit the bed on that one. Actually I'd begun to find the Garfield cartoon pretty annoying before the film, but I still had the fond memories of both the Garfield and Friends show and my dad reading that shit to me with voices as a wee lad of nineteen. Damn you Bill…But finally, Transformers. This review is late now, but as I said, good movie. The special effects were spectacular, Shia Labeouf (undoubtedly French for "the beef") came through with actual acting just as he does in his other films (including that shitty one with Robert Downey Junior based on some guys autobiography and featuring that woman I hate that's in Men in Black Two and Sin City and her name escapes me and I'm too lazy, again, to look it up), Josh Duhamel was handsome as usual, and Megan Fox, as stated priorly, was a total babe. They even worked in some corny jokes that weren't even all that corny at times. I give it one out of four stars not in bold, so three stars by the conventional four star rating system.

On to more important things, if you, like me, immediately googled Megan Fox when you got back from the theater at three-fifteen in the morning, you would have discovered the horrible truth that she is, and has been for some time, dating Brian Austin Green. I should have just said "David" from Beverly Hills 90210 since I don't think he has been in any other damn thing since then. Much the same can be said for most of the cast, sans Shannon Doherty, although I did note Jenny Garth alongside Amanda Bynes in What I Like About You which doesn't have shit on What a Girl Wants when it comes to productions starring Amanda Bynes and containing "what" in their titles. Seriously now, though, Brian Austin Green? He's thirty-two and she's twenty-one, which really isn't all that bad when you consider Catherine Zeta Jones and Old Balls' marriage, but Old Balls is pretty tight. These people are so shitty you may note I haven't even linked them, but that's actually just out of laziness.

Well I think that's more than enough as I can claim we came full circle with 90210, Ian Ziering (even though I didn't mention him), and Shannon Doherty who's in Mallrats. It's time for a few drinks. I suggest you do the same.

1 comment:

  1. So, I had never heard of JoJo (obvi) in spite of Da Bratt ties, but I did catch a few minutes of Aquamarine on tv once and oh man, what a horrible movie.


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