There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Vanilla Al Yankovic (With Eminems)

Besides being a household cleaner and a crappy Jack Nicholson movie, pledge is, like, a promise. That was sort of the premise in that Nicholson flick. I am no great judge of cinematic quality, but trust me, you can safely leave that one off your list. So right now I'm making a pledge to drop a [b]log in here at least once a week. And since lots of the time, especially lately, they don't make any sense whatsoever, it's really the least I can do, for myself. I'm also going to relaunch a blog concept I had about two years ago that I never committed to and never took off the ground. It'll be a spinoff blog comprised of song parodies. I actually did this in the past, but yeah, as I said, I didn't commit. Okay, there it is, I have problems with commitment. But now I'm back, and these parodies will be just as awful as ever. I'm going to try to keep them PG (pretty good), but inevitably some profane language and themes are bound to enter the scheme hence the titling of this entry (I love explaining myself).

Now, I know precisely what failed to keep me rolling last time, and it was suggestions. So if you make it over to said blog (which doesn't exist yet, still thinking of a title, which is code for haven't written a parody lately) please suggest songs and, if you please, the new theme that you would like to see adopted in the song. I don't really like to promote my shit because I find that obnoxious and all, but if you stumble upon it, great. The guidelines will be that I must produce all said parodies in under half-an-hour. This is more for my attention span than Domino's sake. Perhaps I can open with a whole album of Dylan tribute entitled "Blog on the Tracks." Except that could be difficult, so consider that rescinded. I may also finally launch my short-story blog. I've been resisting both since a) I am fragile and sensitive to criticism; b) there is enough trash google already has to sift through; and c) invent another reason.

Quickly, in the interest of poor branding, I noted the name of a brand of pancake and waffle mixes the other day as Krusteaz. Now I understand that might be a family name, but we've got Ellis Island right? No, but really, when I am thinking about how to start my day, it's not usually with a short-stack of crusty-ass pancakes...then again, why not?

Other than that, if you ever take anything in this blog at face value you might be in worse shape than the world economy, or my checking account. I don't know why I stay in the black since everyone else seems to get rewards for going red. On that note, maybe I will do my taxes.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Well, for those who celebrate Valentine's as joke or as joy, a belated outpouring of wishes to you. I have never been much of one for the holiday and I promise it doesn't stem from not having a valentine some years. Yes, the truth is that I have actually had a valentine on some occasions past, a true valencrime if there ever was one. Who would date such valenslime? Well at times I remove the valengrime, and valenmime my way through. What does valentine mean anyway? Vale is a term for valley, tine is string. So valley and string. I guess you are wrapped up (how rapturous) in that deep valley of love. We can all go look up the more accurate meaning if we see fit. Happy day.

Or Hallmark day. Now, lest it not be clear already, I really don't have a problem with kind gestures thrown out on the 14th of February, I simply remain leery of that deadly word "expectation." Expectation can ruin an awful lot of those things that seem otherwise not broken. Indeed, things I like about Valentine's include those awful tasting candy hearts, the opportunity to cheese it up and still remain somewhat romantic, and the crap puns that can be thrown into holiday-themed cards.

How did I spend my Valentine's? That is an intensely personal question, but I will say it did involve many things I love, socially, atmospherically, and gastronomically. I even got a new jacket out of the deal. See number three below:

XXI Forever Kids

Oh right, but I called this Valenrhyme's, and there's nothing I like more (or little I like more), than spontaneously crafting little ditties, so here y'all go:

Awake in the morning
Heart on sleeve
Random person in your bed
Don't ask them to leave

For this is the day of St. Valentine
I celebrated with whiskey
Some celebrate with wine
Is there even a scheme to this rhyme?

There could be if I really chose
But formulaic is boring
So I mix rhyme and prose
As you can see the result rather blows

But such is life
As Vonnegut says "So it goes"
So on this day next year give someone a rose
Someone surprising
To keep them on their toes

All these stanzas had four lines
That last one had five
Don't sweat the small stuff
It'll help keep you alive

If you think that I spent more than three minutes on this
'Twould almost fill me with a hint of bliss
But nor would I take it at all amiss
If you were to consider it but a bucket of piss

So I hope you are happy
Wher[who]ever you are
I know this got a hint sappy
I'm stretching too far

Why did I even bother to write out this rhyme
I just needed a little something to occupy my mind
A little something to take up the time
And anyone reading I hope it suits you just fine

And mercifully I will end this matter
As I've the intense need to empty my bladder

Mazel tov...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

And They Say These Moments Pass

I mean, let's face it, shit is weird a lot of times. The kind of weird where you post blogs at 4am on a Saturday evening (Sunday moring) before the Superbowl with a belly full of burritos, booze, and damn, donuts isn't alliterative enough. But not always that kind of weird.

So shit, I'll throw this Bon Iver jam into the old blog and all.

Shout out to Oz Hazel over on my sofa like not too many feet and all away, and to El Burrito Mexicano and to all my homies always in life.

Never be afraid to contact or try to connect with someone; the worst that can happen is they don't respond. And sometimes we watch what we think is anonymously from the sidelines, but the sad truth is we all seek a sort of validation. We are the privileged ones, and life is good. Imagine if we could realize that, let alone appreciate it.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Me and JD, or is it JD and Me?

Just before the war with the eskimos, sometime during De Daumier-Smith's blue period, the laughing man went to visit Uncle Wiggily in Connecticut. Down at the dinghy he met Teddy, who declared it a perfect day for bananafish. He did this for Esmé — with love and squalor. Pretty mouth and green my eyes thought Franny and Zooey, perhaps old JD's off in a place where the catcher in the rye may raise high the roofbeams carpenters and give Seymour: an introduction.

Thanks for the memories Mr. Salinger. I'm about to sit down to your books anew and try to remember how to write. Hold on Caulfield, here we come, gettin' straight delorious.

Gonna try to sleep off this Twizzler coma, most likely awakened by a red bowel movement. Happy Groundhog Day y'all...
Thanks for stopping by…you stay classy Planet Earth.