There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

My New Favorite Website

Awesome websites are all over the place these days, but I just stumbled on this one. I guarantee enjoyment or your money back, and since you didn't spend any money to view that, that's a guarantee I stand by.

Last week as a nice fall/Halloweeny activity I traveled with some folks to The World's Largest Corn Maze. I'd never gone through a corn maze, let alone the world's largest but I have to say it was good times. I like the creepy rustling sound of brushing against the stalks and husks. Maybe next year a reprisal where I try to spook other maze-goers. Another reason to like corn mazes? The obvious "maize" pun. Booyah.

Dear Apple,
Please cut it with the Mac v. PC ads. Not only is it getting old, it has spawned all of these ridiculous counter PC ads. I do like the one with that little Asian girl, she is super cute, but I'm also influenced by the sweet musical accompaniment that reminds me so fondly of Gob Bluth. Why are people admitting that they are hardwired machines that generally can't run for more than six hours without being plugged into a power source? I mean, my laptop sort of kicks ass, but I like being a human more. Thanks guys.

Also, I joined twitter. I haven't begun to use it, but I thought that I'd secure myself a handle in case fate and peer pressure ever temp me...and believe me, they tempt me all the time.

One more thing: Happy Eve to the Eve of All Hallow's Eve...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pumpkins, Porn, and Pesto

I'd be lying if I said I experienced all of those in the last twenty-four hours, but it's close. I was just reading over my last entry and realized that's what happens when you have a few drinks and you come home to your iTunes playing My Girl. What a jam. The sad thing is, not even I know what the Hell the rest of that entry is referencing.

I can also tell you that when you eat nearly an entire container of Edy's Pumpkin Ice Cream your head gets all warm, or at least mine does, unless it's the slow release of poisonous pesto from Quizno's. I like pumpkin when it comes to pie but frequently find it overdone with a lot of things. When things are labeled pumpkin, they're generally more just excessively cinnamony, and sometimes too much in the way of cloves, but I was diggin' this. It was the perfectly melted consistency from the short walk from the grocery. Unfortunately, and I can't tell you what in ice cream production accounts for this property (probably just simple rules of melting), the outsides turned to mush while the inside remained firm, resulting in a rotating cylinder of over-packed ice cream. Still, I just dug around the edges with some broccoli (truth) and pita chips (salt + sweet = awesome). I am intrigued by the potential for perhaps combining this with Guinness and/or Bailey's but right now I wish my head weren't so damn hot. No room here to discuss pumpkin beer.

The last order of business is viewing porn in public libraries. Yes, I am making the distinction of public because some peoplehave their own libraries. Hell, technically, just a bunch of books in your bedroom constitutes your library, but I am talking some fancy shit with a whole room or more dedicated to books 1800s-style. I like to kick it at the big-time public library when I can, but I'll stay local when I don't have additional downtown business to attend to. I like to go upstairs to the adult and fiction/literature section. Lo-and-behold it is indeed the adult section as I have not once, but twice, noted an old dude (at least in his mid-40s, which isn't that old, but age isn't really the point here) viewing some form of fetish porn. Considering I a) was reprimanded for having a water bottle in the library, b) was reprimanded for removing my shoes in the library, and c) was reprimanded for briefly napping at a desk in the library (and it was not crowded), I find it rather amazing that this guy is able to go about his business on a regular basis. And maybe it's as simple as that, that he's much more of a regular.

But now I've gotta go to get away from it all, perhaps to Kokomo...

Saturday, October 17, 2009

My Girl

Talkin' 'bout myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy girl; my girl, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Sometimes shit is funny when it happens, and sometimes it's even funnier in retrospect.

If you really want to know, all you have to do is ask.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

You Can Be a Model; You Can Be Murdered

With the economy as it is and unemployment continually on the rise, it warms the hearts of citizens like myself to read about the record bonuses being given out on Wall Street this year. Positively delightful. If they want to set aside a cool billion for me and my homies, maybe I'd complain a little less. It's always a question: if I had a shit-ton money would I feel the same? I'd probably feel some compulsion to do something socially responsible with it. While I spent my time researching a worthy endeavor or organization, I'd be keeping most of that money under my mattress.

I'm certainly not in as economically dire straits as so many in this country and around the globe but I'm still attracted by the quick buck. So I'll find myself periodically responding to craigslist modeling scams, and it is responses like this that make it entirely worth it:


Good to read from you. It is a great opportunity you have just drawn close to yourself. I must make you understand that I have been a professional photographer and a publisher for the past 7yrs and now I am working in the industry to gain more ground as a model agent.

It is a print job for the late year 2009 and It will be good if you share in this great opportunity as we all know that the best of life is the one shared.

The location for the shoot will be an indoor location and it will not be disclosed to you until we have reach a certain agreement but do not be disturbed as you would not have to travel.

Please take proper note of the following details:
· Your pay for this assignment is $1000 by the end of the shoot.
· The shoot date will be on 17th of October.
· The name and address of the studio to be used for the shoot will be disclosed to you after we reach a certain agreement and before the date of the shooting.
· We will take care of your make-up or make-over because we have professional specialist ready to take good care of that because we want a completely unique shoot.
· You are allowed to come along to the shoot with anybody of your choice on the day of the shooting, your mum, dad, friend, body-guard anybody you wish to come with just to make you feel comfortable but not more than one person is allowed as your escort.
· You will have 6 different fashion outfits to cover and all these outfits will be provided by our client on the day of shoot. The types of clothing will be Shirts, Suits, Jacket, Jean, Beach & Night Gowns (Note: There is no nudity in this shoot).
· You must be 17years or above.
· You must posses a very strong interpersonal skill (This is very important)..
· You must be worthy of trust.
Our client's name is Mrs. Katrine Miller and her Magazine’s name is "KATEAUS IMAGE" and here is her website as a designer

As i already mentioned, your pay for the jobs is $1,000 and the shoot will only last for 6hours starting from 10am – 4pm.

Please get in touch with me immediately if you are available to take this job.
I will be waiting to read from you along with one recent photograph and measurements of yourself ASAP.


There really was no name attached to the email, but it could always have been another Philip Markoff.

I can't decide if this was written by an Eastern-European robot or what exactly, but it does indeed give me a good laugh and I agree with the writer's assertion that "the best life is one shared." That's part of why I'm sharing such a great email with you. The safety assurance that you can bring whoever you like with you really sets me at ease. In just the same way that seeing a lot of cops makes me think a neighborhood is real safe. I was tempted to respond to see where these folks set up operation, but I didn't quite have it in me.

Top o' the morning to you folks; after all it's morning somewhere...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Run For Your Life

Some straight up beast running took place this past weekend, a good deal of it in my "back yard" as the Chicago Marathon runs right past my apartment at about the seven-and-a-half mile mark. I got a couple of shots and a little video of the race leaders and all sorts of random competitors but I was fairly unprepared to do so most of the time and I've not taken the time to upload them yet anyway. It was also cold enough that my battery was falsely reading as being low on charge. In the meantime, here's a shot of race-winner and reigning Olympic champ Samuel Wanjiru.

Wanjiru: Total Beast.

These elites glide along so effortlessly running 4:50 miles and faster that it's a bit surreal. I'd be pretty content if I could be running that for 5k right now. The first question anyone asks when they find out you are a runner is if you've ever run a marathon. It's always been "no" and "I don't think I ever will" as responses, but I think I might change my tune after my first viewing experience. To put it mildly, it kicked ass: great venue, supporters/spectators all over the course, and various tunes bumping at different mileage markers.

In other running news this weekend wonderboyman Dathan Ritzenhein, my high school contemporary, threw down at the World Half-Marathon Championships, finishing just a second out of second to earn the Bronze.

Yes, Ritz, you earned that.

Ritz was dominating the high school scene when I first got addicted to running and watching his scrawny and over-exerted frame collapse to win the Foot Locker National Championship as a junior made me a fan of his for life. I couldn't scrounge up a photo of that on short notice, but here's another shot of what Ritz looks like after inhuman efforts:

Ritz makes me want to be tough. And speaking of tough, Man v. Food host Adam Richman, recently attempted a challenge I've long wanted to undertake and know I have no shot at: the fat sandwich competition at Rutgers' own Grease Trucks. The trick is to eat five sandwiches in 45 minutes to rename one. As the Targum spoils, Adam fails at four sandwiches. All I can say is I wish I had been there. I'm not even that beast of an eater, but with a long-run, a few beers, and perhaps a currently illegal THC-containing substance, I think I might have been able to match four...I can certainly do three, and I suck. Mostly it boils down to me being jealous of Adam's job.

Finally, there are those times I wonder why I haven't explored traditional paths to gaining a job as a teacher. Well, and I know it's a bit silly sometimes to use something like this as a barrier, but when my potential peers post messages like this:
"teaching a math lesson tomorrow....i should prob care more but i just dont lol"...well let's just say I feel less thrilled at being on an equivalent level with such an individual. You can't always let pride get in the way, but my god I sometimes fear for the education of the youth of tomorrow. Here I sit, doing little to amend that.

Friday, October 9, 2009


The biggest news story today (and it probably should be) is President Obama's selection as recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, upon hearing of BO's taking the prize I have to say I felt the surprise a lot of folks seem to feel. However, Nobel's will states the prize shall be given "to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses." I don't follow politics — on any level, local, state, national, international — to the extent that I probably should, so I couldn't tell you who would actually have been a much more prime candidate to take home the award. Of course, as has been suggested, Obama might not actually accept the prize and make a benevolent statement about how he will share it with the world.

I can see that happening, but it doesn't have to have attached to it the deeply sarcastic tone that seems to be attached to this newscast from MSNBC. Their tone is entirely negative, and they seem to list the only upside to his victory as the Nobel committee having made suspect selections in the past and befuddling a lot of people with the choice of Obama. Wait, that is the upside? I am pretty sure your statement just made no sense buddy. Honestly, I think there tends to be more controversy over the Maxim/FHM/Other prominent men's magazine's Hot 100 List or People's 50 Most Beautiful.

As I said, I don't follow politics closely and I would be happy to hear who is more deserving than Obama rather than simply making the case that he is, well, undeserving. Waaa...waaa...he didn't deserve it...Okay you genius pundits, who does? No, wait, let's ignore that and say, "Well, he does get over a million dollars for winning it." And then, to dispel the tension, let's have some dolt chime in, "That's pretty good...great contest." Hooray broadcast journalism.

Of the little I have seen in support of the Nobel choice, one citation is Obama's Cairo Speech, the full hour of which is brought to you by the glory of youtube:

Now, I haven't watched it yet, but given the subject matter, I'd say it might qualify for Nobel's "most or best work for fraternity between nations." Unfortunately it took place about four months after nominations were due. Oops...Didn't Obama also pledge to close Guantanamo in the next year? Pledge does differ from action, though. But Hell, don't a lot of foreign countries like the US a lot more now simply without Bush in power? Has Obama instilled them with, dare I reference that campaign slogan, hope?

Mostly I just wanted to cite what a bunch of clowns those MSNBC people were. While the premise of this blog was griping, it was always meant to have a little more humor attached to it. Well, look out for change as I hope to revert back to some old flow and style. I should have lots of good stories once I head over to Paris with Lindsay. Oh yes...

Friday, October 2, 2009

Chicago Out, Rio In

Well, it's official, Rio has been selected as the host of the next Summer Olympics and by next I mean 2016, so the one after London. Right.

I've been to Brazil, and it was awesome. Granted I was in the north, hours away from Rio, but a quick google image search yields the following shots that I think say, "Hey, this might work as a host site for the Olympics."


Really dope.

It'll be kickin' at night.

I'd think safety will be an extra big issue here, but it's the Olympics, so it always is. And given my brief experience with the people of Brazil, the parties will be wild, the women will be really attractive (the Olympians won't exactly be chopped liver...), and the Pitu will be flowing.

This ad might sum it up pretty well:

Thanks for stopping by…you stay classy Planet Earth.