The Other White Meat

The thing about red meat is, while it is often delicious, unless you are eating it often, it might go down smooth, but it's probably not going to come out that way. This tends to be pretty common knowledge what with the body not producing the enzymes for proper breakdown, but it never stops me from undergoing some sort of stomach-related trauma when I return to the world of red meat. Hell, why would it be referred to as "beefing" otherwise when you rip a stank-nasty fart. That is an important distinktion as well (note: mis-spelling is intentional for the sake of punnage): the fart and the beef (and let's not start discussing the queef). To me, farting is a general term for the expulsion of gas, while "beefing" is a slang term created for the specific purpose of describing those most odoriforous emissions, ones that might be associated with a person who has ingested beef, preferably cooked to a rare or medium rare specification, after a long hiatus from cow consumption, and generally preclude the onset of diarrhea.

But despite my own fascination with all things gastric, I think it is called for to hinder such discussion for the time being. Let's switch meats for a moment, from red, to white, to other white. That's right, I'm talking pork. Pigs. I'd never eat a pig 'cause a pig is a cop, except it's really because I was brought up a Jew, sort of, and I've actually eaten pork and bacon, but only like twice each. The point though, is cops. What got me thinking about it was a recent run-in my friend the Quabbin Qountry Querier had with the five-o. He was arrested for swimming in a river. How dare he embrace nature over the chlorinated and bastardized option of a swimming pool (I love pools at times, but it doesn't have shit on jumping in a river, especially when you get to fight the current because you are a mediocre swimmer at best). I cite an instance last summer when Senor 3Q, myself, and a few other good chums and ladies were caught skinny dipping in an apartment pool at two in the morning: they simply told us to grab our clothes and get going. Or maybe it's just that Vermont is that much more lenient than New Hampshire. Incidentally, before I go further I should point out that BTB is an excellent reputable news source for up to the minute updates on the Democratic political campaign rife with witty commentary and insightful analogies. Reputable compared to what you might ask? Well, reputable compared to ABC News, which cited the National Enquirer and Star Magazine as its sources in Owen Wilson's alleged hospitalization. In ABC's defense, Star Magazine is generally a great source of celebrity fashion faux-pas.

Back to cops then, I've got many a tale I could spin. Instead I'd just like to point out a few of the simpler flaws in their system of justice. Take for instance this episode of recent history, followed up here. But naked cops are lighter fare for my hometown police force which was once the focus of a 60 minutes special, citing the corruption that would help inspire, loosely, the production of Edison Force. This is not to say all cops are bad. The position simply leaves something to be desired, for instance, when time is spent writing me a sixty dollar ticket for a two-dollar fare I failed to pay at a turnstile while there are dudes on the subway robbing my girlfriend when she falls asleep on the ride.

I was going to spend time on the widely-discussed leniency given to celebrities and athletes (who are celebrities anyway) but, well, it's widely discussed. And it's not as if they all get away with everything I suppose as my boy Travis Henry, former Buffalo Bills and current Denver Broncos running back, is going to have to pay a little bit of child support. Thankfully that's from a reputable news source.