Proposed Beer [S]Ad Campaigns

Not too long ago I was heavily considering a career in advertising. "I spontaneously produce so many puns and idiotic word associations," I told myself, "Why not get paid to do it?" Forget my tale of disillusionment though, and let's just say I hate a lot of ads I see with a passion (take those new Snickers' ads for instance). The problem with hating is that, well, sometimes you have to respect what other people do. I mean life is all about timing. Being the first to do something, no matter how idiotic or terrible, it often gets you remembered. So you can say, "I could have come up with that," or "I could do better," but it mostly just amounts to empty threats. The thing about ads too is that, as much as we want to give ourselves self-congratulatory pats on the back for being clever, the idea of an ad is to garner attention to a product or cause, and so some compromise can often be necessary to appeal to mass audiences.

So I like to go halfway from empty threats about my advertisability and taking action and float ads through my head when the mood catches me. As I like to have a beer from time-to-time, I always like to come up with catchy little taglines (redundant perhaps as it goes without saying that a tagline should be catchy). So I present to you, five beer ad campaigns I've come up with that will never be realized (nor should they be).

Spaten: Remember that movie 300? Yeah, I only saw a little bit of it, but a lot of people love it. Whenever I see or order a Spaten beer, all I can think is, "This...is...Spaten!" Think those Capital One "What's in Your Wallet Commercials" only way better. Retarded? Probably. Guaranteed to sell more beer? Possibly.

Red Stripe: Hetero? Homo? Bi? Bi-curious? No matter your flavor, there should be a beer that unites us all because America is about diversity and unity. Now, this would call for Red Stripe to roll out some new packaging and rebranding, but I think it will be worth it for, "Rainbow Stripe: Hooooraaaayy Queer!"

Budweiser: The folks at Budweiser, now InBev have actually anticipated this move and have two ad campaigns waiting in the wings, both quite simple, and both immensely superior to current concepts of drinkability. The first is a punchy, "Budweiser: King for Queers," but leery about using that term due to its expected association with the new Rainbow Stripe brand, geniuses at ad giant Ogilvy & Mather have prepared the subtle amendment to "Budweiser: King for Queens."

Heineken: Ah yes, Heineken. Not that any of these are much of a stretch, but when a beer tastes like ass and is affectionately referred to as "Heinie", advantage must be taken. So here it is: "Heineken: A taste true to its nickname since 1873. Go on, grab a cold one. When's the last time you really tasted Heinie?"

Miller High Life: The goddamn "Champagne of Beers." If you thought the other efforts were poor, this one will disappoint even further, but I had to pay homage to one of the more influential beers in my life.


Your best legal option for living the high life.

Long overdue tales of Sonic and Chi-town coming soon...