There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

In Which I Just Paste an Email Here

The following is the contents of an email exchange with a friend. We had, along with many other more worthy writers, submitted to McSweeney's annual column contest. Needless to say, neither of us was selected and I can't say that I blame the editors over there, but I can say that it did make for an easy email to write relating my feelings towards the actual winners based on only reading their column titles and their names. Please know that this is a joke, and no ill will is meant, just good fun. Perhaps I will read some of these columns, but probably not. Some are a little less than PG...Enjoy!

The Peculiar Arab Chronicles
by Nour Ali Youssef

[Go fuck Youssef]

History’s a Bitch: A Dog Walk Through Time
by Robb Fritz

[I'm Puttin' it on [the] Fritz to make dog-walking interesting to me. His name has two B's. Does he get more points if the dog is female, or male? From the dog's perspective?]

It’s All Greek to Me
by MM Locker

[Extra points for original title. I should have submitted "It's All Greek to Me: My Experiences at Diners and Fraternities"...and fucking Greek women.]

Assimilate or Go Home: Dispatches from the Stateless Wanderers
by DLM

[DLM...Dumb loser monkey? Is this about immigrants? The Borg (Star Trek)? I don't care!]

No Fear of Flying: Kamikaze Missions in Death, Sex, and Comedy
by Michelle Mirsky

[Uh oh, this might have been the comedian entrant to beat me. Shouldn't it be called "A Fear of Landing?" And what's a kamikaze mission in death? You avoid it? So like Final Destination?]

Graphic Dispatches from a Recent College Graduate Still Living in a College Town
by Larry Buchanan

[Boring stories from a boring person who hasn't grown up.]

Dendrophilia and Other Social Taboos
by Dani Burlison

[Dani, that's a girl's name. This should be a guy. And he should have called it, "Rubbing my knob on knobs: A woodsman's job...with his wood." I want it good and obvious. "Using big words, trying to sound intelligent, and other such social taboos." ]

Gyros To Heroes: A Column About Sandwiches
by Lindsay Eanet

[Oh come on, this is the worst anagrammed last named of all time and anagrammed isn't even a word it appears! Eanet? Like eaten? Is she just dyslexic? Is she implying that Gyros can't be heroes? Sounds biased. This one's all Greek to me...]

The Long Walk: A Column About Washington
by Alec Bings

[Pretty good title. I hope it's Washington state. The person I hate least so far. The first Arab chronicler would be fine if his title was different. Also, the last name here needs to be binges, and the title of his column should be "Tales from the Toilet: My Life in Purge-atory."]

Fading the Vig: A Gambler’s Guide to Life
by David Hill

[I don't know what fading the Vig is. Good start. Damn, I hate how unknowledgeable I am! I have friends who gamble a pretty good amount, either in the very obvious sense of casinos and sports or in taking life risks. Maybe this guy twists those together. But since I don't know what fading the Vig is, I don't care.]

American Policy Suggestions from a Chicago Sports Fan
by Matt McKenna


The Chorus Boy Chronicles
by Brian Spitulnik

[Choir sounds so much better than chorus. There are differences sure, but the main difference is choir sounds better.]

Good luck to all of the runners of tomorrow's Chicago marathon. Weather's great, I would like to join you for parts. But as it stands I'll be cheering you on, from my dreams.


  1. Hi Jeb—

    Oh man, I think you're the first person ever to riff on my last name. Hadn't even thought about it being an anagram. Well played, sir. Enjoyed your responses. Keep on writing.

    Lindsay Eanet/Eaten

  2. Lindsay, you need to find friends who make fun of you better/more. Thanks for dropping by. I hope to actually give your and other columns a read but I am a bad internet reader. I also hate capitalizing "internet."

    Next best anagram for your last name is Neate, which looks like a fancy foreign spelling of "neat," and isn't so great. Of course, if we use your whole name, we can roll with Say Date Linen. Or Sad y Neat Line, which is a stretch predicated upon use of my poor knowledge of Spanish.

    Stay fresh,


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