There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Yom Kippur

It's the day of atonement for Jews and while I was not brought up religiously, I've been fasting on this day since age twelve, with a couple of violations while in college, and maybe another this year. Surely I have things to atone for, but the fact remains that I am just not all that religious of a guy. If I were, I wouldn't be writing this post right now because one thing you don't do on Yom Kippur is post crap on the internet. Last year on opening night of Yom Kippur I witnessed a panther morph into a man with a briefcase strongly resembling one of those nineteenth century medical bags. Right before that I thought I saw a ghost. I got that horrible nape of your neck tingling. I swear I am not making this up.

So religion, right. Well, I saw Jesus Camp and it scared me. I realize that it's not exactly objective, but what is? If you want objective, type blogpsot into your browser bar the next time you are entering the url for a blogger-based blog. "P" before the "s." How those boys got the monopoly on all the dyslexic attempts to type blogspot is beyond my technical know-how. What I should have said was, "How all those guys got their hands on little boys…" but I digress. Anyway, it's not as if I formed my opinions about Evangelism, or religion in general, on the basis of one film. I actually freely admit to not being nearly enough of a scholar when it comes to religion. Religious freedom I am all for, just don't push your politics on me, pal. As proof of my benign feelings toward religion (save, perhaps, Scientology, and some other obscure ones I'm sure I've missed the boat on) I once bought homemade root beer from the back porch of an Amish teenager. I even purport to have enjoyed it, despite it being warm, what with it being the summer and the Amish not really buying into the whole electricity thing. Also, I don't know why I said purport. I think I've even used it once prior on this blog, but probably never before that. It's fascinating how these words enter your lexicon.

Another Amish related thing I loved was Witness with Harrison Ford. Sweet movie. To this day I more easily recall the lyrics to Weird Al's Amish Paradise than I do Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise. Also, for whatever reason, Amish country is loaded with outlet stores. It's sad to me that this is used as a lure, when the Smörgåsbords alone should be enough of a draw. Sadder still is that I purchased these at the Nike outlet in Lancaster, proof that I was a total boob. Still, they were sweet kicks.

Interestingly enough, I think I would be allowed to wear those shoes on Yom Kippur, as they contain no leather. The following are the five main prohibitions of Yom Kippur, lifted from the Wiki article linked above:

1. Eating and drinking

2. Wearing leather shoes

3. Bathing/washing

4. Anointing oneself with perfumes or lotions

5. Marital relations

It is likely that these have been arbitrarily ordered. Otherwise it is pretty funny to think that wearing leather shoes is a greater violation than "marital relations." Clearly that term refers to yelling at one another, making BLT's for the kids, and getting divorced. The BLT's are actually prohibited year-round due to their containing chazzer, one of my favorite Yiddish words, although not as cool as "chazzerai," a term often used by my father to describe a generalized bloc of humans of whom his opinion was decidedly low.

And that's a rap…

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