There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


For as long as I can remember, I have been captivated by bizarros, doppelgangers if you will, perhaps even Vesuvan Doppelgangers. Before I go any further, yes, that's right, I used to play Magic: The Gathering. Not very much though. I even had a reprisal of sorts when I spent the summer living with some teammates in 2005. Unfortunately, by that time, several expansions had been made to the game, creating cards that frankly shit squarely onto the faces of all the cards I cherished in my youth. Pauper that I was, I couldn't justify investing in the freshest cards and was summarily blown out of the water by my competitor's decks.

Constructing a deck in such a game is an art that goes beyond the ability to simply buy the best cards as, even when a monstrous deck is created, the dexterity to play it properly is also required. Short of the cards, I may also have lacked the ability to create that "perfect" deck, and perhaps also the necessary savvy to carry out a game to perfection. But that is neither here nor there because, nostalgic bastard that I am, I really just liked the idea of playing with my old cards where I dug the artwork and the accompanying tidbits of fabricated lore oft written on the base of the cards.

But I wasn't even meaning to talk about Magic (incidentally, there is a good chance I look briefly through my few remaining cards after finishing up this post), I meant to talk bizarros. Fairly frequently I see strangers on the street that resemble people I know well and I'm left wishing I had a camera, which I sometimes do, but it would be creepy to take photos of strangers even if it's for a good cause like unlocking bizarros. Also, it's not as fun just showing a picture of some random stranger to people and saying, "Hey, this looks like that other guy." Instead, the ultimate comparison is the celebrity. Celebrities are on the brain of so many of us that it provides a convenient reference point for all manner of things, appearance certainly included.

A typical flirtatious move by both male and female is to relate the appearance of the desired subject to that of some celebrity whose physical appearance is well-regarded. But when I seek out bizarros, I'm much more interested in accuracy than the prospect of hooking up. If that means telling a girl she looks like Bette Midler, so be it. And with all due respect and disrespect to Ms. Midler, I consider her a heinous hosebeast. One thing I have never found is my own bizarro. There probably could be, or are, some interesting studies concerning vision and mental association of appearance; i.e. what it is we acknowledge in facial structure and so on that has us deem certain individuals to look similar. I actually do know for certain that there are existing studies to account for the white man stereotype that "all asians[insert other race of choice look the same." We simply tend to pick out subtleties differently when someone is of our own race, although, in our increasingly intermingled bloodlines, for how long?

And so, while I have yet to identify my own bizarro, I have been compared to any number of prominent celebrities all connected by one convenient string: eyebrows. On that note, I present to you my most recently suggested celebrity bizarro, according to a pair of Chinese tourists dating back to Halloween; I don't agree on the choice, but I've presented the most convincing photo I could find in their favor:

Are you Sylar from Heroes?

p.s. did anyone watch Lost last night. I wasn't paying much attention and only watched the first hour, but it was looking pretty campy...and Sawyer was looking like he needed the ab diet. Maybe it's just me...

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