David Beckham

Late Sunday night (technically early Monday morning) I happened to catch the last half of a BBC special on Victoria Beckham and her unhealthy look and obvious boobjob, and inevitably it meant mention of her husband, super-stud David Beckham. That reminded me of a discovery I'd made a little while back that I'm surprised I hadn't divulged yet. Before I do, some pertinent photos to see if you can spot the real Beckham.


Wembley Backdrop


Press Conference


Fresh Threads

Well, what's the verdict? Actually, only the middle man is the man affectionately deemed Becks, with the other two being Paul Mansley, one of two celebrity personators for hire as David Beckham over at this place. I suppose people have been making careers out of being impersonators for years and I never really thought about it, but somehow when you read the profiles of Paul or Andy they seem to have done advertising work for major companies like Coca-Cola and Vodaphone which seems as if it ought to be illegal. Sure celebrities often endorse products they would never use, but shouldn't it be up to them to compromise their integrity, not their impersonators?

Anyway, interesting to note that none of the look-alikes I took a quick gander at in the top celebrity listing really looked much like the true celebrity except for maybe this Sam Brown character. Time for some z's.

Life's Struggles

One thing I try to keep a handle on no matter my own complaints are those everyday struggles for everyone else. Not too many people get to say hakuna matata. What made me think of it was one of my neighbors who just now was yelling for some wipes because his kid had just written all over the back door and the siding. But it's nothing new, Brian is always yelling for some reason or another, he just happens to be home for sukkos on this sunny afternoon. Judging by yells, he has three children. Rachel was getting it good today, "Rachel, I need the wipes now!" "Are these the Clorox wipes? I told you to bring the clorox ones. I need the Clorox ones!" I think Rachel is all of five. "It's not coming off!" Apparently disaster was averted as he seems to have shut the fuck up. But Brian is otherwise outwardly successful. Big house in a nice neighborhood with three children I have never heard speak but only heard bellowed at. Maybe I need to start getting pissed about meaningless shit. But I guess I do anyway…

For instance, we've got this Squeeze list of the 25 ugliest celebrities. Everyone's got opinions. Opinions are great. That's why I keep this blog. Maybe. Anyway, it's not that I got pissed about this list, I just feel it could be a whole lot better. The quick write-ups for each celeb are a hint funny, but to me they are trying too hard. See, opinion. To me it wasn't all bad; a couple of those facial matches were dead on.

Anyway, I'm alleging to be busy lately so we'll call that a post. Last tidbit, J. Lo is preggers. And Marc Anthony, I think, could have made that ugliest celebrities list ahead of a couple of folks on there. To each his own…

And look, I said I was done, but check this out. It's an article about the English practice of "flipping" whereby houses are turned over for profit, often even before the initial sale is finalized. I'm sure the Americans have another term for it which doesn't sound nearly as cool. Lots of things sound cooler across the pond…like getting to say "great flipping wads of cash." I guess I'm a bit of an anglophile in some regards, but that's allowed because I'm a dual-citizen, right?

Yom Kippur

It's the day of atonement for Jews and while I was not brought up religiously, I've been fasting on this day since age twelve, with a couple of violations while in college, and maybe another this year. Surely I have things to atone for, but the fact remains that I am just not all that religious of a guy. If I were, I wouldn't be writing this post right now because one thing you don't do on Yom Kippur is post crap on the internet. Last year on opening night of Yom Kippur I witnessed a panther morph into a man with a briefcase strongly resembling one of those nineteenth century medical bags. Right before that I thought I saw a ghost. I got that horrible nape of your neck tingling. I swear I am not making this up.

So religion, right. Well, I saw Jesus Camp and it scared me. I realize that it's not exactly objective, but what is? If you want objective, type blogpsot into your browser bar the next time you are entering the url for a blogger-based blog. "P" before the "s." How those boys got the monopoly on all the dyslexic attempts to type blogspot is beyond my technical know-how. What I should have said was, "How all those guys got their hands on little boys…" but I digress. Anyway, it's not as if I formed my opinions about Evangelism, or religion in general, on the basis of one film. I actually freely admit to not being nearly enough of a scholar when it comes to religion. Religious freedom I am all for, just don't push your politics on me, pal. As proof of my benign feelings toward religion (save, perhaps, Scientology, and some other obscure ones I'm sure I've missed the boat on) I once bought homemade root beer from the back porch of an Amish teenager. I even purport to have enjoyed it, despite it being warm, what with it being the summer and the Amish not really buying into the whole electricity thing. Also, I don't know why I said purport. I think I've even used it once prior on this blog, but probably never before that. It's fascinating how these words enter your lexicon.

Another Amish related thing I loved was Witness with Harrison Ford. Sweet movie. To this day I more easily recall the lyrics to Weird Al's Amish Paradise than I do Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise. Also, for whatever reason, Amish country is loaded with outlet stores. It's sad to me that this is used as a lure, when the Smörgåsbords alone should be enough of a draw. Sadder still is that I purchased these at the Nike outlet in Lancaster, proof that I was a total boob. Still, they were sweet kicks.

Interestingly enough, I think I would be allowed to wear those shoes on Yom Kippur, as they contain no leather. The following are the five main prohibitions of Yom Kippur, lifted from the Wiki article linked above:

1. Eating and drinking

2. Wearing leather shoes

3. Bathing/washing

4. Anointing oneself with perfumes or lotions

5. Marital relations

It is likely that these have been arbitrarily ordered. Otherwise it is pretty funny to think that wearing leather shoes is a greater violation than "marital relations." Clearly that term refers to yelling at one another, making BLT's for the kids, and getting divorced. The BLT's are actually prohibited year-round due to their containing chazzer, one of my favorite Yiddish words, although not as cool as "chazzerai," a term often used by my father to describe a generalized bloc of humans of whom his opinion was decidedly low.

And that's a rap…

Reel Big Fish

One time this lady referred to me as looking like Oscar de la Hoya. At the time I assumed it was supposed to be a compliment, now I'm not so sure. Keep in mind that that link is frightening and probably NSFW as they like to say.

I started taking some classes just the other day with the aim of getting a start in advertising. I'd long joked about getting involved in the industry by writing letters to all of my favorite companies (Kellogg's, then General Mills, and probably Edy's/Dreyer's could go on there, with a hint of McCain Ellio's) containing perhaps some catchy jingles. See, I figured, I like their products, and I am a corny punmaster, so it's sort of a match made somewhere other than match.com type of deal. Sadly it's not that easy and so I'm in the process of deciding if I want to really get into this stuff. I mean, I have this little thing where I can't really deal with pretentiousness of the sort I tend to detect here. That is the school at Wieden and Kennedy, which is a fairly legit advertising firm as these things go. I just wonder, on the off chance that I were ever hired by a company of their style, nevermind standing, if I have enough enamel left to grit my teeth and not punch everyone in the face. That's one of the downsides of being a hateful bastard, it really is.

But I promise I'm not that hateful all the time, just sometimes, like when I am trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and all the options aside from Thugz Mansion seem pretty grim. Maybe since the hour is somewhat late, this sappy acoustic version seems a little more fitting.

And remember, if Oscar is any indication, be wary of what success might do to you…

I Don't Care About the Emmy's

Probably since the eighth grade, when I made continual Simpsons references, people have been assuming I watch a lot of television. This never was, and continues not to be, the case. The simple fact was that I had, and have, a high retention rate for what I do watch. This includes ads for television shows I've never actually seen. If you pay reasonable attention to these alone, you'll end up with a pretty good idea of what's going on. That said, these days I have a hard time watching any programs on a routine basis. I avoided Lost for a long time, and after catching up on the first two seasons, I committed myself to the third. Unfortunately it seems doomed to the same fate of many television series: carry on for one to five seasons too many. Nothing beats a dead horse like the entertainment industry. I don't actually remember how many Friday the Thirteenth films were created, but at least ten, to go along with six or so Nightmares on Elm Street, and a collaboration picture. If a film is called Final Destination, doesn't the title suggest that it is the last one? I know what the premise is, I saw the film, and part of the third, but stay with me while I bitch. It's the horror and scary film variety where they seem to delight most in this practice and thankfully they did decide that no one cares what these kids did last summer any more.

I'm really only scratching the surface here, but I am going to return to television since my original point was to reference last night's Emmy Awards. No, I didn't watch them, but yes I watched part of Access Hollywood while I washed the dishes before eating dinner, which obviously focused on the Emmy's. Among the winners was Katherine Heigl of Grey's Anatomy. Heigl's real claim to fame is being my celebrity bizarro according to myheritage.com. Count it. Grey's joined Lost as the only shows I managed to keep up with last season, with both perhaps to be removed soon. Maybe it says something about me as a person, but after a while I just don't care anymore. The first 1.5 seasons of Grey's I was an avid fan, going so far as to be that annoying guy talking it up to his friends, but if last season is any indication, it plans to leave the McShitty path well-trodden. Lost is looking better, but not by much. I was once a huge X-Files fan, but Lost looks as if they're going to make the same mistake, and stretch out the conspiracy and puzzle a little (or a lot) too long. There's a fine line between suspense and "frankly I don't give a shit any more." I'm just hoping these two ABC shows will call it quits soon and keep the quality high.

But it's always easy to be the critic and, as usual, all of these folks are smiling on their way to the bank. I just hope that a couple will try to maintain some integrity and not milk their show for all it's worth or, if not, maybe leave their atm card behind like people keep doing when I am in the bank. Plus, for all of my orneriness surrounding TV shows, a lot has to do with my mood when I first see an episode. Also, the syndication of shows is brilliant, as I became a fan of The King Of Queens and yes, even the occasional Friends viewing, while watching re-runs. That said, a short list of shows that I kind of like, those that I'll probably watch, and those that are likely to be well-rated on the Nielsen scale (translation: I don't really like). No one is likely to give a shit, so good thing this is my blog.

Kind of Like:
Everybody Hates Chris: Finally saw a couple of episodes. Likable show.
Tell Me You Love Me: I don't have HBO, but if I did I would watch this. Depressing meets softcore porn.
Top Chef: I hate Padma. I think that's her name. I haven't seen it in a while, but if Casey wins I'll be pissed.
House: Never get to watch it, but I've always been a big Hugh Laurie fan. Great comedian, and apparently can do drama.
Boston Legal: Never watch this either, and it's pretty weird, but also pretty damn good. Dig Past-tense-of-shit-ner.
The Office: Steve Carrell is amazing, John Krasinski is just so likable, and the guy that plays Dwight is hilarious. Actually, everyone on this show is pretty damn good.
My Name is Earl: Hard to lose with Jason Lee, at least if it's Mallrats or Mumford, or even this show sometimes.

Watch List:
These shows I like less, but am probably likely to watch more. Doesn't make sense to me either.
Lost: How much longer will I stay tuned in, I can't say. I followed the OC to it's poopie end. History could repeat itsself.
Grey's Anatomy: See Lost. They might have to banish the title character.
Las Vegas: I'm not going to watch it, but I figured it fits more here than on my like list.
The Hills: If you have a tv with MTV and it's raining, let the rain fall…
Laguna Beach I think it's called Newport Beach now, or something to that effect, and the above lyrics apply here. Watching these kids makes me want to stab myself in the brain. As above, will watch if in front of an MTV-equipped television.


Nielsen Champs:
Actually Lost and Grey's probably apply, but I sort of like them.
Heroes: Intrigued at first, but didn't grab me. I wish they would just bring back the X-men cartoon from the 90s. Once overheard a guy in a Dunkin Donuts saying, "What am I gonna do tonight? Heroes isn't on." Maybe what you did before the show existed.
CSI: Certainly dig this show, but I fear they're running out of cool story lines.
Desperate Housewives: I think this show gets high ratings. Watched about eleven seconds once. No thanks.
Deal or No Deal: I also think this show gets high ratings. Yet to see it. Howie looks scary. Heard they might bring back Bobby's World.
Survivor: CBS. I have always hated this show.
The Amazing Race: I really just have a hard time watching shows on CBS.
Two and a Half Men: Allegedly the top-rated comedy. Again, CBS. People think this show is funny? See also: Everybody Loves Raymond.
American Idol: Simon Cowell is one rich man.

And that's where I have to call it a day. I've realized my compiled lists are pretty shoddy, and don't follow any sort of real guidelines, and that there are an awful lot of shows I have, and will leave out. Also, I don't know why they made a whole television show based around the Geico cavemen, where the premise of the humor is based around quick, one-liner-esque and non-sequitur humor. A final prediction is that whatever network and individuals created Kid Nation should be sent directly to Hell. Oh wait, surprise, it's CBS. I swear I'm not really a negative, hateful, bastard of a man.

Public Opinion

I got a couple of e-mails concerning my last post, the jist of it being what I already know: don't bother with the serious shit. Isn't that what my blog description says? That I am here to cover the nonsense? One bit of nonsense that always confounds me is the battery flip trick. You know what I'm talking about, where the remote control to whatever device it is you're trying to operate isn't functioning and you sure as hell don't want to get up to find fresh batteries, which you probably don't have anyway, so you just pop out the existing ones and alternate what position each was in. Close up the back and voila, everything is peachy again. I know there is some form of scientific reasoning behind this, and I'm sure I could find it out with a bit of simple googling, but isn't a lot of the fun of magic believing that there is such a thing?

Magic, maybe it's what the Patriots seemed to have during the course of their three Super Bowl victories in four years, or maybe it was just cheating. As a long time non-fan of the Patriots, I hate to say I am rooting for the latter. Football is a sport that I think requires more coaching than any other. Actually, there probably can't really be any question there. The complicated offensive and defensive schemes, knowledge of all the rules…I'm always impressed at all the work that goes into it, even for the crap teams, for that just accentuates how good the good coaches really are. Whether or not the videotaping scandal turns out to be true, and I am thinking it probably is, I still think Bill Belichick is an amazing coach. That doesn't mean I like him, or the Patriots, and I promise that isn't influenced by the fact that his daughter moved her seat in class when I sat next to her one day in a French History course. Did I smell or something?

Anyway, I just wanted to throw in a quick post to change the tone from the last one. I'll try to cut down on the sports too, which should be easy since I am so out of the loop on sports anyway. Happy New Year to all my fellow half (fake) Jews, and Shana Tova to the real ones. Blow on that shofar for me.


Bill cheating in more than sports?

Sometimes Serious

Without a doubt, I like to spend a good quantity of my time joking around. When you do this, there is always the problem of not only establishing a line for yourself, but being able to determine the line that others have. It doesn't so much matter if it's their own line or one created by what popular culture deems an appropriate line, the line is still there. Reader discretion is advised. But just as it is easy to take things too seriously, it is also easy to not take things seriously enough. Probably no one ever comes out perfectly, but with a little tact, riding the middle ground is generally possible.

When I read about a shooting at Menlo Park Mall, then, I decided to take a step back from my mock serious manner and be a tad more serious for a change. I've lived in Edison, New Jersey, on and off, for the better part of twenty-four years and while it is voted one of the twenty-five safest cities, what does that really mean anyway? Periodically shit goes down here, just as it would anywhere else. My house has been robbed, a lady around the corner from me was raped in broad daylight, people have had their asses kicked, here and there is a homicide victim or transgressor, be they within the township boundaries or not. I even recall a time I was riding my bike as an eight year-old and for no reason a youth of probably age fifteen or so walked up and smacked me hard across the face. Amidst that, the closest I've felt to unsafe was probably in the eerie silence of the AM while doing lengthy runs back in the day. If you were to think of every possible scenario in which something might happen to you, you'd spend your days locked in a room, paralyzed by fear, and you're not necessarily any safer there. A fire can start, you could have a heart attack, an aneurysm, or any number of things. All of those possibilities sound rather remote, and that's because they are. In general, people feel safer in a car than on a plane because they are in control, even though statistics show far greater incidents of death and injury in automobile accidents than those attributed to aviation.

The most important part of the story on the Menlo shooting, that I could see, was the comment section. So many people commented that they would no longer be going to the mall, or would be barring their children from hanging out there. Why? Does the fact that you now feel that the mall is unsafe make it any less safe? Wouldn't that be like no longer driving on any road where there had been an accident? Perhaps there is a difference, but not as much as one might think. And I can guarantee you'd have a hell of a time articulating that difference. Is there really a greater chance something might happen to you at the mall now because that happened to be where an unfortunate young woman was working when a troubled young man decided to act on his emotions? And the media doesn't help. What they choose to show or report heavily dictates public opinion and action to an unhealthy degree. Just because you saw it on the news or read it in the paper does not make it true, and it certainly doesn't make it any more important…it can often simply be what the media perceives to be important and thus focuses on in the hopes of ratings. I'm erring on the side of an extremist and conspiratorial bend here, but I am a firm believer in measured confidence. I'm not saying trust no one, I'm just saying don't trust everyone. The margarine and butter substitutes once reported to be much healthier than butter are these days, before reformulation, known to be chock full of public enemy number one: trans fat. The truth is out there, but the research isn't always.

And now because I was serious and slightly crazy there for a bit, I have to go ahead and attack other comment leavers to that article. I think my personal favorite was a user under the handle "centralnj27." I believe the premise was location followed by IQ. Centralnj27 reports to have been at the Fox and Hound when the incident took place, but rather than speak for him I have copied and pasted his first comment:

I was at the Fox and Hound(for those of you who don't know it's a bar connected to the mall at the Macy's end) at the time the shooting occured and for most of the night. Around 9ish word trickled around that there had been a shooting in the mall but no one really knew it was definite or what the details were until later in the night. Rumors were going around that the mall was put on lockdown.(not sure if this is true) I'm very very disappointed that at the time of the shooting there was no security or police that came around the area to be stationed for protection. People were saying it was an isolated incident but as soon as it happened, who knew that? There easily could have been a 2nd gunman somewhere wandering around and with a packed bar watching the rutgers game, it would have been open season if someone came over there. You would think the mall security would have some kind of crisis management system but apparently I guess that does not include the Fox and Hound. On most nights during the week, you'll see 2 Edison cop cars parked next to eachother on the sidewalk by the Fox talking to eachother for about 30-60 minutes at a time, but yet why wasn't anyone hanging around there last night?

The patron complains that no police or security arrived to be stationed for protection. He purports to have had worries of a second gunman, which "would have been open season" if he/she chose the bar as their next target. What if the second gunman had been in the Apple Store? There are a lot of possibilities of where this next shooter could be, along with the possibility that there was no other shooter, coupled with a limited number of police and security. Should the rest of the mall, specifically the scene of the incident have been ignored in favor of protecting the Fox and Hound? I am no lover of law enforcement, but it's someone's (in fact multiple peoples) job, and with that job comes discretion and the need to act under pressure. Seeing as how this guy shot one woman and then committed suicide, I think the police made an intelligent assessment in assuming it was an isolated incident and dealing with the immediate problem. I think a lot of the problem is people relying on creating better security rather than trying to create happier people. Centralnj27 also notes that, on an average night, there are normally two cop cars patrolling in front of the Fox, yet not on this night. Could it be they chose to move to the scene of an attempted homicide and suicide? No, that would be crazy.

Other comments would allude to the possibility of another Virginia Tech, the type of postulating that I find to be ridiculous. Was part of the reason Virginia Tech happened because they didn't have a system in place to deal with an angry and depressed gunman on the move? Sure. But was part of the reason that nature and society forms such individuals that feel the need to commit such acts? I would say yes to this as well. Historically, there have always been, and probably always will be, individuals that we might characterize as crazy, that do things we simply can't relate to, but let's not live our lives in the shadow of fear that elects presidents and raises defense budgets.

That Joke Really Isn't Funny Anymore

I realize that I spent a whole post talking about sports only a couple of days ago, but being that it is US Open season, I can't help it. I mean, it's not as if my blog has a theme, although I suppose that to have no real theme is a theme in and of itself. I'd actually just finished writing this post, and was all set to publish it, when my archaic 2001 laptop decided it didn't have enough system memory. I knew this was a load of bologna, and in fact code for "We're about to fuck you…bad." HAL, you bastard. Honestly it wasn't that big a deal, but I really have to go and switch cylinders entirely. Have you ever noticed that when you lose something you've written, not only does its quality and importance seem to increase but, to attempt to go back and rehash the same ideas seems empty and shallow. Maybe that's just me because I wander relatively aimlessly from topic to topic (only in my personal writing, I swear) but I always can't help but feel that I simply put it better the first time. I guess I just prefer spontaneity.

Anyway, I was surprised to see the US Open site powered by IBM since, to me, they totally fell off the map with the whole Aptiva thing. You remember those commercials, don't you? "Hello, I'm Aptiva." I'd hunt it down, but I fear another computer meltdown if I attempt to run youtube. Certainly, then, I always connoted computer company success with personal computer sales, but all one need do to realize that is a bunk theory is to remember the name William Gates III. Then you can look for his name on this list. You'll note his buddy Paul Allen none too far down the list himself. But it's not like Michael Dell isn't sitting on a fat pile of cash himself, a better fate than the guy from those idiotic "Dude You're getting a Dell" commercials. The scariest thing about that list, however, is the presence of five Waltons in the top ten. That gives a little insight into one of the things that might be wrong with America.

But enough about that, here's what's wrong with tennis.

Roger Federer, looking like Satan.


That is Roger Federer and he is too good for his own good, or anyone elses for that matter. The thing is, I'm not sold on his being, potentially, the greatest player to ever play the game. I really think that the talent level has fallen off from where it was in the 90s and that, while there is no doubt Federer is excellent, every other tennis great in history had a nemesis or two. The closest thing for Federer is Nadal and while the last Wimbledon was actually somewhat close, outside of clay, Federer still pretty much runs the table. Or maybe it's just that I find him too bland for me to get excited about him winning. It's why I wish Marat Safin would get his head out of his ass, but he probably wouldn't be as loveable to me if he kept his composure on court. I think I am just starting to equate Federer with the Yankees, and I hate the Yankees.

The last thing I've got to note before I forget about it is something I picked up on over at Pink is the New Blog. I was pretty out of the celebrity scoop and short of perhaps TMZ, this place is one of the best sources. Props to sis for originally pointing it my direction. Anyway, after scrolling through a bit I found the news that Halle Berry is pregnant. Good for her, but the more important thing is that it showed a picture of her boyfriend, model Gabriel Aubry who, after googling I discovered looks remarkably like Josh Holloway of Lost. As Diddy used to say back when he was Puffy, it's all about the bizarros baby.

Paul Bunyan

About a week ago, maybe even a fortnight, my dad was talking about classic candies, back when penny candy meant that it actually cost one cent. In fact, some things were as cheap as three for a penny. It got me thinking about my own favorite candies of youth, one of which, in particular, seems to have become extinct: my beloved Johnny Apple Treats. As a child my mother used to bring myself and my siblings ice skating down in Old Bridge, NJ. Though I was not entirely averse to skating, the most enjoyable part, to me, was soft pretzels and Johnny Apple Treats. If you clicked the above link you'll see that Johnny is from the Ferrara Pan family of candies, genus specification of Lemonhead and friends. Sadly the novel names of many of these candies have fallen on bland days, all simply given the ____head designation according to specific artificial flavor. Johnny is now simply "Applehead," and Alexander the Grape reduced to Grapehead. Cherry Chan became Cherry Clan before succumbing to, surprise surprise, Cherryhead. And while I have an adequate candy knowledge myself, it is clearly trumped by the afore-linked Candywrapper Museum which made me sad that I had missed such gloriously racist candies as Peppermint Coolies.


The point of that all was simply that Johnny Apple Treats were the bomb and I wonder if I were to track down some Appleheads if they would prove as delicious today. If I order them through the internet, the answer is certainly no.

Also last week I happened to see the new Bob Saget HBO special. I only caught the last half, but really thought it was hilarious at the time. For anyone who might catch it on demand, I'll present the disclaimer that I was slightly intoxicated and very over-tired while watching it, but regardless it was about the most uncontrollably I'd laughed in quite some time. Outside of Full House, Saget is known for his extremely vulgar and crude humor, and having never seen him do stand-up outside of a brief cameo in The Aristocrats, I can say that he certainly lives up to that assessment. As for The Aristocrats, perhaps it was the state of mind I was in while watching the film, but I really didn't find it to be very funny at all.

Anyway, I really only brought up Saget so I could post this picture of fellow Full House cast member Dave Coulier.

Of all the possible inspirations for Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know, I think Dave puts the best face on it.