Dane [Can't] Cook

In the past few days I've had a whole mess of things I'd intended to bring up but as with my usual ways, I somehow managed to be doing nothing else and not get around to it. Marion Jones is one of those issues, but I feel as if that topic is being covered well enough that I need not post any link. As a track nerd I had an early beat on it, but that has been squandered. Also in sports - which I am pretty sure I have already pledged to talk about less in this blog, a pledge I will recind so that I can avoid restating it and risking any hypocritical labels - the Buffalo Bills. It was a rough Monday night last night and it wasn't just from all the ziti, chili cheese fries, chicken wings, and even a few brews (violating the palatable "rule of threes" in list-making, which also corresponds to joke telling). A long time Bills fan, last night was business as usual. The boys in blue looked like they were doing everything right, but even after five interceptions the Cowboys believed in Tony Romo.

So now back to my originally intended content. Dane Cook. I'd heard of the guy; I even think I caught a few minutes of his act on Letterman, Conan, or Leno, I honestly don't remember which. This was a while back. Subsequently he made Waiting, which I didn't realize goes all the way back to 2005. I never saw the film and I don't remember the stand-up, but I did note Dane's increasing popularity over the years. He's currently in some film, alongside Jessica Alba and I refuse to go look up the name despite the fact that it can't take longer than about twelve seconds. Ads for this film plus a spot as spokesperson for the mlb playoffs (aided by his affiliation to Boston) are what really got me thinking: who actually likes Dane, and why?

My only other Dane Cook experience was at a bar in New Brunswick sometime last year. I even recall the bar, the wonderful Golden Rail or G-Rail if you went to Rutgers or have a penchant for abbreviating things. I will say for the G-Rail that they offer pretty cheap drink specials on popular college drinking nights. That said, some waitress was attempting to sell my friend and I promotional shots of some disgusting variety, the kind of shots you would buy for a girl, but only a really slutty girl, probably who is teetering on the edge (the edge of what exactly, you can decide), but I don't know because I don't buy girls drinks. I think they were watermelon flavored. Point being, after I made some inane comments it prompted said waitress to ask if I was a Dane Cook fan and, after some other banter, whisper "taste the rainbow" in my ear. That settled it: I would be buying no shots from this skank (generalization based on circumstancial evidence and hearsay).

This weekend, then, I decided to watch the HBO on demand broadcast of Dane Cook's "Vicious Circle" with my girlfriend where, after much fast-forwarding, I heard the line from above. Unfortunately (fortunately) I don't recall any of the context. What I do recall was Dane's pants being so tight, his movements around the stage freaked me the fuck out. That and his energy was so high the whole time and his build-ups so long that there was, for me, no punch in any punchline. I also had no patience for his shitty little laugh when his ego was tickled (often).

I am pretty sure I actually didn't laugh once during the entire show which, as I said, I fast-forwarded liberally. But as with most things I intensely dislike, I am never the only one of my kind. On the Wiki page for Dane linked above, not only did it inform me that Dane is no spring chicken at 37, but that he is reviled by many, especially others of his trade, several of whom he is more than alleged to have stolen from. I won't be the first and I won't be the last to say it but, "Fuck you Dane. You are a hack." Carlos Mencia might be funnier.

On the bright side, if you are looking for largely comic genius (until the front row insults segment) D.L. Hughley's Unapologetic is pretty damned hilarious.