There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007


'Tis a loaded word and I'd love to do it justice, but first I should note this is what got me talking about blow for the moment. It's also an award-winning film which, regrettably I have yet to see, a great band when "the" is placed in front of it (sorry Jess), and a synonym/shortening of a specific act, referenced here (shout out Jon Kraus 2k6). Only the film and this newly proposed energy drink powder draw their inspiration from the product the term is most synonymous with, cocaine.

As near as I remember, and apparently correctly, they've already attempted once to market a Cocaine-inspired energy drink and as you can see from those three letters in front of "cocaine" on that link, it is also recently deceased. Of course, only the name is taking a rest, and even then, only in the United States. And for all that people are doing to fight the shit-eaters that came up with this brand, I think it's wrong to neglect the asshats who are drinking this shit. I admit I've partaken of the occasional energy drink (perhaps succumbed is more apt terminology), but adding an extra gimmick to the already gimmicky, and lucrative, energy drink business just rubs me the wrong way, kind of like the damp liner of running shorts against an inner thigh.

Anyone in need of the rousing benefit of energy drinks need go no further than a quick whiff of my running shorts. A quick note on running shorts for the less informed is that they contain a crepe liner, generally comfortable as all hell. Given that, many, though not all, persons tend to wear these products sans underpants. I fall into this category. However, when wearing your shorts for more than one run, factoring in the additional olfactory effrontery that is the daily accumulation of unwashed nether-regions, it makes for the kind of smell that could bring a puke sandwich to tears. Such was my discovery when I removed my shorts today pre-shower and, tempted by a fate akin to looking into a used tissue or an unflushed toilet bowl, I took a whiff. Sadly, even with my parents' Chemistry backgrounds I did not waft, and while we might all secretly enjoy the scent of our own farts, this pungent odor did not have the same endearing quality. Bottled up in true eau de toilette form, no human could safely succumb to slumber.

Returning briefly to the impetus for this posting, I really do wonder how long this product will last. For the moment at least, I'm kind of diggin' the crappy song and skanky chicks on the frontpage of their site. With double the taurine and triple the caffeine of Red Bull, identical proportions to the liquid cocaine, something tells me these boys might be in cahoots. What benefits do I get from the powder then? Well, you can mix it as strong as you like and get crazy fucked the way I used to on Tang. Of course, if I were to saturate "blow" to the levels I did Tang, my heart would actually explode (this link is vile and, from me, that is saying something). I say choose Tang. It's even available in a whopping 38 flavors. That's more than Baskin' Fucking Robbins! I don't even use exclamation points. And to think, I spent all these years thinking it was only available in orange. Wow, I'm about to run out and buy some Tang.

On an even tastier note, I just had some delicious home-made roti, which might have gone down even better than the Bills latest win. Anyway, all this talk of energy drinks has made me oddly tired. Happy Halloween…

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