There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Things To Do In a Bathroom

No, this isn't going to be a list of pranks that can be played in a restroom, like dropping a cantaloupe in a public toilet from a height of four feet. It's not my intention to have this blog take on an entirely toilet-related tone, but a couple of things in this post may pertain to just that. As for one bathroom countertop activity, right on the heels of my "Blow" post, comes this news that Martina Hingis is retiring after testing positive for cocaine, a charge she doesn't want to spend time contesting. Martina contends in the article that she has only heard that cocaine produces feelings of euphoria. Then again there's also a quote saying "She's a great legend, one of the most well-liked players on the tour." From what I remember of Hingis' heyday she was a pretty big brat, and comments like the ones included here aren't helping her case. I'm not accusing her of actually having taken coke because frankly I could care less and I get enough nosebleeds as it is.

As I was getting set to take a train home after class the other night, I decided to stop and take a leak in Penn Staon rather than ruin my streak of never having used a New Jersey Transit [on-board] restroom. There was a surprisingly long line, with every urinal accounted for, two dudes about my age in front of me, and maybe a half dozen other schmos to my rear. Conventional wisdom and urinal etiquette told me that, as available urinals opened up, those at the front of the line would be given priority. Apparently not so. Not one, but three of the guys behind me simply cut in front to man recently vacated urinals, ahead of myself and the guy in front of me. Is it really going to ruin my day? No, but it is rude, and that's why I was hoping someone (which leaves myself and the other guy) would have had the gumption to simply urinate on the guy who'd snagged his stall and said, "Oh sorry, I didn't see you there." Alas no, but it was one of those classic bonding moments where you shrug your shoulders, shake your head, and give a knowing laugh to the other guy. And if you think pissing on a guy for this minor offense is excessive, remember I could have said, "Now you can have your cake and eat it to," to a man I'd pushed face down into a urinal.

Today I was gripped by that unmistakeable urge to relieve myself in the secondary fashion while at a Barnes and Noble at around noon. For whatever reason, I must have started a trend because, for a not so crowded store I quickly had the company of two other folks who, judging by aural signals had a more dire need than myself. I'm also always glad to hear the sounds of the preliminary flush and the ripping of toilet paper to place a protective layer; it makes me feel good to know I'm not the only person who might be a little neurotic.

Anyway, that's all I've got time for at the moment, but tomorrow I'll do my best to cover Tom Brady's oddly-proportioned head, the annoying trend of combining words, and a couple of weird instances of being videotaped or photographed. Also, don't forget to set your clocks back an hour at two am tomorrow. Does that mean bars are open one hour later? How did I only think of this loophole now? Regardless my old-ass laptop still operates on the assumption that last week still marked the return to standard time so I've been full of occasional false hope that I've been wasting one less hour a day than I really have been.

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