There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Well, for those who celebrate Valentine's as joke or as joy, a belated outpouring of wishes to you. I have never been much of one for the holiday and I promise it doesn't stem from not having a valentine some years. Yes, the truth is that I have actually had a valentine on some occasions past, a true valencrime if there ever was one. Who would date such valenslime? Well at times I remove the valengrime, and valenmime my way through. What does valentine mean anyway? Vale is a term for valley, tine is string. So valley and string. I guess you are wrapped up (how rapturous) in that deep valley of love. We can all go look up the more accurate meaning if we see fit. Happy day.

Or Hallmark day. Now, lest it not be clear already, I really don't have a problem with kind gestures thrown out on the 14th of February, I simply remain leery of that deadly word "expectation." Expectation can ruin an awful lot of those things that seem otherwise not broken. Indeed, things I like about Valentine's include those awful tasting candy hearts, the opportunity to cheese it up and still remain somewhat romantic, and the crap puns that can be thrown into holiday-themed cards.

How did I spend my Valentine's? That is an intensely personal question, but I will say it did involve many things I love, socially, atmospherically, and gastronomically. I even got a new jacket out of the deal. See number three below:

XXI Forever Kids

Oh right, but I called this Valenrhyme's, and there's nothing I like more (or little I like more), than spontaneously crafting little ditties, so here y'all go:

Awake in the morning
Heart on sleeve
Random person in your bed
Don't ask them to leave

For this is the day of St. Valentine
I celebrated with whiskey
Some celebrate with wine
Is there even a scheme to this rhyme?

There could be if I really chose
But formulaic is boring
So I mix rhyme and prose
As you can see the result rather blows

But such is life
As Vonnegut says "So it goes"
So on this day next year give someone a rose
Someone surprising
To keep them on their toes

All these stanzas had four lines
That last one had five
Don't sweat the small stuff
It'll help keep you alive

If you think that I spent more than three minutes on this
'Twould almost fill me with a hint of bliss
But nor would I take it at all amiss
If you were to consider it but a bucket of piss

So I hope you are happy
Wher[who]ever you are
I know this got a hint sappy
I'm stretching too far

Why did I even bother to write out this rhyme
I just needed a little something to occupy my mind
A little something to take up the time
And anyone reading I hope it suits you just fine

And mercifully I will end this matter
As I've the intense need to empty my bladder

Mazel tov...

1 comment:

  1. I'm not a huge fan of Valentines day, either. I say that if you have a loved one, and want to express to said loved one that you love them, pick a day of the week and give them chocolates and flowers and call it good. It's like, "Happy Wednesday! Have some crappy chocolate!"
    And as for your rhyme, I think you did just fine. I've seen worse, (what the frick rhymes with worse?). My point exactly. And before I go, what is with Valentines day and cheesy rhymes? Not that I'm calling your rhyme cheesy, although if it were, I think it would be something salty yet refreshing, like mozzarella. Also (don't you hate it when people start sentences with "also"?), have you ever heard of a writer named Lemony Snicket (not his real name obviously, that would be Daniel Handler)? He's most famous for writing "A Series of Unfortunate Events". Well, you kind of remind me of him. I think it's the sort of typing in circles, and the random rhymes, but whatever it is it's a good laugh. So...(okay, not great with direct complements, but here goes) Good job. I like your writing.
    P.S. Okay, so the complement wasn't TOO painful, but good luck getting me to do it again.


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