There are so many intelligent and articulate people covering the hard-hitting
issues in our country these days, that I felt it was my duty to cover the
rather inconsequential bullshit that tends to make up the vast majority of
our lives. Actually, I'll just be griping a lot which, if you weren't aware,
doubles as a synonym for complaining, and as a descriptor for
a sharp pain in the bowels.

Thursday, January 31, 2013


If my goal was a new low for post title, I'd say I'm damn close. Also damn close? The close of January. You know January, comes in with effing New Year's, goes out being pretty much cold as balls. Well, round these parts at least.

It's definitely sweater weather, that is as long as you're wearing a big-ass winter jacket as well. But really what I wanted to do is point out how that song is so very Lana-like (as opposed to Lana-like, and not to be confused with Smallville viewers having some serious Lana-like), and that bothers me. And when I say Lana-like, I mean Lana-lite. That isn't to say it's not possible this band managed to cultivate such a sound completely independently — and after all, there are often movements — but it seems like a little too much reliance on haunting female vocals, without the lyrical quality of Del Rey. It hardly matters what I think though, as it seems to be getting a pretty heavy radio rotation. 

Now, if we want to talk quality music, how about this sweet cruise my homie BTB linked me to. Vertical Horizon? I mean, it'll be hard to top the time I saw them gigging in a Borders in Chicago circa 2009/2010, because you can't get much more intimate than the second floor of what is now a Michigan Ave. TopShop in a clearing from bookshelves. Somehow Borders went out of business, and Vertical Horizon gets to go aboard ship with Mark McGrath. Who's going to host Extra while Mark's on the open water?

Without even a hint of segue I've got to bring up sandwich chain Jimmy John's. Their marketing angle always strikes me as odd. Their tagline is "Freaky Fast," and that's the most sensible part. Do I want to be disturbed by the speed with which my food is prepared? The answer is probably yes if it comes with "free smells," which is what it says on many a storefront. Now, to me, without a qualifier, smells is not a positive adjective. "Hey dude, you smell." You can add the word "bad," but bad is implied, where as to say something smells good, you need the good. Why not free aromas? Too fancy? Freaky fancy.

The fun doesn't stop there though, because mid or post meal, you're probably going to want to use a napkin. What do these napkins say larger than the brand name? Wipe. When you're done eating, is wipe what comes to mind? For me, that's what comes to mind when I'm done pooping. I'm certainly not associating it with the wiping of hands and mouth. 

Anyway, I'm done pooping. So wipe January 2013 off your calendars and get set for a Freaky February...

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